A Different Shade Of Romance

When you hear too many people talking too much crap about something, you eventually end up liking it. I guess that’s what happened with me while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not half as bad as people are complaining about it; a lot of them being the kind who probably haven’t even bothered watching it in the first place! I’m actually considering reading the book now… which by the way I’ve heard is terribly awful. But still, having your own opinion is better I guess…

So it’s simple; Christian Grey played by Jamie Dornan is young, drop-dead gorgeous and richer than the Queen! He’s also emotionally tormented, likes BDSM and loves to ‘fuck hard!’ Anastasia Steele played by Dakota Johnson on the other hand, is pretty, also young and is studying literature. She also happens to be a virgin. NO WAY… do they really have those in America???

Image Source: media4.popsugar-assets.com, media.melty.fr

Image Source: media4.popsugar-assets.com, media.melty.fr

They meet, start falling in love – well at least she does, also start having violent kinky sex with leather, handcuffs and all sorts of sex toys, and when she finally realizes that Christian is in fact too complicated for her liking and takes pleasure out of whipping her ass, she calls it quits and leaves him. A rather tragic ending I’d say… was so hoping they’d eventually get married, have babies and live happily ever after… awe… so cute! I guess now I’m going to have to wait for the other books in the series to come onto screen.

Anyway, some people might disagree, but I still think that Fifty Shades is more romance and less disturbia. It’s just different… a different shade of romance. And I don’t see why it’s become such a big deal. Please… someone care to enlighten me?

After watching the movie, I decided to read a couple of the shitty reviews published all over the internet and damn was I surprised to see some of the most silliest conclusions self glorified critics came up with even on places like Mashable, New Yorker and The Independent. So instead of treating this like a conventional review, I’m going on a different route this time.

Here’s some of the crap that I read (and heard)… and what I had to say.

Fifty Shades of Grey glorifies domestic violence

Excuse me? The last time I checked, domestic violence was about mother-in-laws burning their daughter-in-laws, husbands beating up their wives and female genocide. Since when did sexual fetishes and BDSM become part of the list? We all have our kinky fantasies… now don’t be deny’n them okay? Gosh… some people really need to let their imagination run wild… or even better… get laid… the BDSM way!

Image Source: assets.nydailynews.com, media.breitbart.com,

Image Source: assets.nydailynews.com, media.breitbart.com,

Not enough sex

Really? There’s a big fat line between watching a romantic flick with steamy sex and porn; Fifty Shades pretty much blurs that one out. If you think that Fifty Shades was low on the sex quotient and didn’t show enough genitalia, then maybe you’re in the wrong seat and should log onto Redtube instead! FYI, ladies who think Mr Grey is a total hottie… well good news for you… he does flash a bit of his… Johnson!

Zero Chemistry

Okay, I think I might have to agree here… well not entirely. When it comes to this whole ‘chemistry’ business – or virgin romance as I like to call it, nobody does it better than our Pakistani actors, because quite frankly that’s the only way we are capable of showing romance on desi television. Johnson and Dornan were a bit lackluster, but I still think it definitely wasn’t a zero.

To slow and painfully dull

Please… go and watch Titanic! if you think that shipwreck of a film was any better than Fifty Shades, go back in time and drown yourself with the ship… and never come back! Even the rumors of Anwar Maqsood and Bushra Ansari sharing a painting moment were more exciting than the one between Kate Winslet and Retardo De Craprio in the movie.

Terrible dialogues

Hmmm… okay maybe two – “Laters babe” like WTF was that, and “I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” Lol… that’s a quick one-liner to tell your girlfriend how emotionally damaged you are while being smart enough to incorporate the title of the screenplay as well. Originality is a rarity.

Image Source: cdn.collider.com, i4.mirror.co.uk

Image Source: cdn.collider.com, i4.mirror.co.uk

The skyscraper in the beginning is the most erotic part

Well then, you were either blind to have been able to see all the skin show, or you’re gay and you like REALLY big… Johnson! Or you forgot your doze of Viagra! Come on… seriously? Buildings vs. an earthquake on a spring mattress? The second… anyway, anytime!

Fifty Shades started off as a Twilight-fan fiction

FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Not everything in the world is about the Toilet Saga and Bella fucking Swan… okay that was weird! And even if it is an apparent copyright infringement, who gives a shit? Remember what I said about you going back into time and drowning yourself with the Titanic? Please… do that RIGHT NOW! And by the way, doesn’t the Toilet Saga glorify beastiality? Yes it does… Jacob was a wolf! And you know what’s even worse? He decides to settle down with his would-be girlfriend’s could-be his daughter… OMG INCEST!

Image Source: img2-2.timeinc.net, entertainmentwallpaper.com

Image Source: img2-2.timeinc.net, entertainmentwallpaper.com

Dornan compared Fifty Shades to Hitler

Celebrities are stupid, they say silly things… you just have to be even stupider to make a big deal out of what they say! Haven’t you learnt anything from Kim Kardashian? Hell screw her when there’s Meera!

It’s a threat to tradition

TTP is a threat to humanity… we have bigger problems… nuff said! Besides what traditions are Americans and Europeans even worried about? They’re the ones who commercialized BDSM… Hallelujah to that one!

Fifty Shades is connected to a rise in sex-toy injuries

Okay so now you’ve run out of excuses and you’re just stretching it a bit too far.

See? Sometimes people will just come up with the lamest of arguments to bring something down for no apparent reason.

Anyway, so here’s what I think. Considering that the Pakistani drama scene is actually becoming more acceptable towards plots other than the ones thriving on the saas-bahoo and gullible husband with fifty trusting issues formula, Fifty Shades of Grey should be rendered into a masterpiece for our small screen with none other than Fawad Khan and Madhuri Dixit playing the lead roles. Obviously, she won’t be playing an English literature student and he won’t be flashing his Johnson!

To put in a single shade of grey… or bold black… Fifty Shades of Grey is to an extent disappointing, but not all that bad. And I reaffirm – it is just another shade of romance!

3 / 5 stars

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9 comments

  1. Tehreem · March 4, 2015

    in the last book they do get married n have two kids ! And live happily ever after!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You Know who · March 4, 2015

    I’d still not watch it but Damn those memes and the way you’ve pointed out what’s bad in it(which is most of it) is so good :’D Oh, I never knew Anwar Maqsood and Bushra Ansari had a painting moment *evil grin*

    Liked by 1 person

    • arsalanahmedk · March 5, 2015

      it’s a rumor… prolly never happened; but still… beats Jack and Rose

      Like

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