Say Hello To Shit-wale Dulhania Le Jayenge

Yet again, I’m late! Damn it… I hate sipping what I do best for some stupid academics – trash movies that are actually quite trashworthy!

And what do we have this time around? Aah yes… one of the most anticipated releases of 2015 (happy new year btw) that despite being a full on shity affair, turned out to be a success at the Box Office – Lid-wale; ooops… I mean Dilwale. Actually considering it was shitty and directed by the shitman Rohit Shitty himself, Lid-wale works just about fine as well.

The pre-release trailers showcasing this multi-starrer pretty much had ‘dud’ written all over them, but the Bollywoodholic that I am, I wanted actual proof. And I got just that. Here’s why you should skip Dilwale… in case you haven’t seen it already. and if you have, then here’s a belated moment of silence for your grey cells.

Rohit Shitty at his shiftiest

Dilwale 1

Ok… so the guy is known for making massy entertainment that’s just very likable and commercially successful (the Golmaal series, Singham and Chennai Express being very good examples), but this time around, Rohit Shitty seems to have missed the bullseye by more than just a mile. Dilwale was like a quick-fix movie that Rohit felt he just had to make and release on a holiday weekend to capitalize on the holidays of course, the jacked up ticket prices, and the star power of celebrities. Well Mr. Shitty, you failed big time this time, or should I say that you slipped while taking a dump in Indian style. If only you had spent more time on the toilet, you might have actually come up with something a lot better. Dilwale isn’t just another of your films to enter the (much over-rated) 100 crore club, it’s a big fat smelly blotch of brown on your career. Go figure!

Unoriginality has a new benchmark

Just as shameless as Pakistani couturiers are when it comes to doing runway, Bollywood filmmakers aren’t too different – they never fall short of unoriginal ideas! However, Dilwale set a totally new benchmark this time. I mean even ctrl+C, ctrl+V can’t do better that Rohit Shitty’s and SRK’s shitty production houses. Dilwale was like watching a forced mash-up of SRK’s (and Kajol’s) movies in an attempt to woo a much younger generation of film enthusiasts faintly familiar with the yester years Bollywood cinema. What’s worse is that it actually worked. Oh dear, I actually feel sorry for these people who have absolutely no idea of the greatness of the 90’s Bollywood era that has produced some of the best films and timeless music that Indian cinema will ever see and listen in god knows how many years to come. So let’s see

SRK and Varun were brothers just as in K3G

SRK was the adopted brother also like K3G

Kajol and Kriti were sisters also like… yep you guessed it, K3G

That gaindwaa song… oh bhai… K3G hi dikha dete iss se behtar

The background music and the dialogues were stolen from all over DDLJ

Was that the theme from Star Wars?

15 years, 4 months, and something days… Devdas please

Need I say more?

Oh yes… the Mission Dilwale scene…. /facepalm!

SRK’s losing his charm

Honestly, I’ve never been an SRK fan, but he’s always had this charming screen presence that’s made him very likable over the years. And if you disagree, watch Dil to Pagal Hai. But much like our Sallu Bhai who’s growing and looking too old to be playing young roles now, SRK too seems to enjoy living in a sorry state of constant denial. Can someone please tell him that he needs to start playing roles that suit his age? You know, heroine ka abba, ya phir hero ka dada, instead of the pedophilic hero himself. Thank you. At this point, I can only hope Raees and Fan aren’t a letdown.

The music… what music?

Dilwale 2

And Black?

Actually, Rohit Shitty’s movies have never had the best of soundtracks, and Dilwale’s music is just more of the crap that you’d want to throw into the obsolete pile of CDs; unmelodious and forgettable. While I took a power nap through most of the songs, there’s one that I just couldn’t get over – the apparently original yet highly VFX-ed Gaindwaa song. Yes I know, it’s Gairuwaa, but I heard Gaindwaa the first time I heard it. Also it just kept reminding me of Sooraj Hua Madham from K3G! Like seriously??? Movie to unoriginal hai hai, at least gaane to original bana lo bhai mere! Anyway, being part-couturier myself, I’m still trying to figure out what PANTONE is Gaindwaa… or gairuwaa… help please…

Comedy gone wrong

Dilwale 3

Much needed ethnic cleansing of bad comedians in Bollywood!

Varun wanted to put sindoor in SRK’s maang. No wait, Ramlal and Pogo… awe so cute! Or that funny guy who apparently did most of the comedy in Fukrey, and was trying desperately hard to be funny and relevant to DiJwale. Johnny Lever is still alive? Yawns, yawns, and nothing but more yawns! The correct college-going term for the many not-so-funny jokes in Dilwale is ‘sukha!’

In fact, it wasn’t just the comedy that was lackluster; it was also the (over)acting that seemed to be nothing more than ordinary… subpar in some cases. SRK and Kajol were by far the most experienced actors in the lot. Yet they failed to deliver anything that was beyond mediocre. And considering that Varun is the son of one of Bollywood’s most celebrated funny bone ticklers David Dhavan, his comic timing in particular was shockingly disappointing. The rest were props that added little value to the fiasco.

The lack of chemistry between SRK and Kajol

Non-existent is more like it! I don’t know, maybe it was them being horrible misfits in characters defying the rules of age, the fact that it’s been years since they’ve worked together, or simply the stupidity of the movie itself, the SRK-Kajol pair was anything but magical this time around. And considering that Dilwale was banking on that and only that, it’s not surprising that the movie lacked any amount sparks at all. In fact, when I was watching Dilwale in my third home, there was this big group of teenage boys and girls who kept hooting and screaming whenever SRK and Kajol came face to face. God how I wanted to beat them to pulp! I mean, for someone like myself who has grown up watching Bollywood in the 90’s, Dilwale just failed to capture the romanticism that made the SRK-Kajol pairing what it was back then. And NO, forcefully throwing in DDLJ dialogues didn’t help at all.

And why exactly should you watch Dilwale?

Only because of Kajol!

Dilwale 4

Kya hai raaz? AApa ke totkey, ya Vitamin ke injection?

In a nutshell, Dilwale is your typical Bollywood recipe for disaster; no script; bad performances, forgettable music, and cars flying around in the air for no reason, unimpressive and skippable. Watch it only if you’re an unconditional SRK and Kajol fan. But even then, be prepared to be thoroughly disappointed.

1/5 stars

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