Dedicated To Batman Vs Superman Haters

And I’m back… after a three month hiatus. IBA really is getting the best of me, and I’m not liking it a single bit. Never even got a chance to complete my reviews for Bajirao Mastani, Ho Mann Jahaan, Sanam Teri Kasam, Sanam Re, and Deadpool. See… that busy with business finance, operations management, and fucking macroeconomics. Can’t wait for this shit to get over once and for all! #MBASucks

Moving on, while I’m still contemplating on what to write for Kapoor And Sons, which by the way was a totally amazing watch, I thought I’d just go ahead with Batman Vs Superman first. Yes I know… more than a week late. But that’s ok I guess, no?

So, is BvS (keeping the title short for convenience) good or bad? My answer: IT’S GREAT!

However, the way I see it is that a number of Marvelists and Avengers have gotten together to throw all sorts of shit on BvS just before the release of Civil War. Dirty play I’d say. The movie got a shockingly low 29% on Rotten Tomatoes compared to a en even more shockingly high 83% for Deadpool, and tons of negative feedback from critics – or should I say self-proclaimed critics from all over the internet. They’re calling it “too dark” and “humorless,” a “stink bucket” and a “lousy orphan fight.” Lol… orphan fight is kind of funny, but more on that later.

To be honest, I kind of like DC and their ‘dark’ approach to storytelling, and also the fact that their movies aren’t just a bag of jokes and over-the-top destruction porn. While the folks at Marvel might just wake up one fine morning and say” Oooh, let’s make a movie with lots of blood splashing here and there, chunks of cities being lifted into the air, and alotta sexual references as jokes, DC actually puts a little more thought into their films by making the stories more character driven, and at least try to acknowledge the fact that destruction porn does in fact have collateral damage and needs to be taken to the side. Besides, since when did ‘fun’ become the same as ‘good’? Just because a movie is ‘fun,’ doesn’t mean it’s also ‘good.’ Avengers: Age of Ultron was ‘ fun,’ but ‘good’… hmmm…

Now I’m not saying that BvS was absolutely flawless; even the best of cinema does come with its fair share of bads. I was NOT ok with lack of disrespect towards superheroes and their secret identities, the weird-ass dream sequence with flying human insects, and a rather disappointing depiction of Lex Luthor. But for me it’s simple; if it’s generally more than good, then I’ll probably overlook the bad in it, and if it’s bad, then I’ll leave no stone unturned in sabotaging even the slightest bit of good there is in it… and that too in the most crudest of manners. Oh btw, I also cried when Superman was assumed dead! Thank god he’s still alive; yea… maybe then BvS would’ve sucked big time otherwise! Yes, Hnery Cavill as Superman is totally hot… the best after Tom Welling in Smallville.

And as I’ve always said, it’s never fun to review good movies – I repeat – good movies, I’m just going to go about this just like my take on Fifty Shades Of Grey; trash the stupidity of people trying to bring down the movie in question.

So, a couple of questions people (Marvelists I’d like to assume) have been putting forward that I’d like to answer in my own way…

Why so serious?

I don’t know… Maybe because DC heroes have a lot more to do other than sit around in a big fat mansion and crack spandex jokes and take a dig at each other’s mutant powers? Or were you expecting a superhero rom-com for post Valentine’s Day sex?

Why doesn’t Clark report that Superman is innocent?

Maybe because he works for a daily newspaper, and not a personal blog? Besides, Clark writing a piece on his own innocence is probably more ridiculous than people thinking that Batman saved Superman’s mom just because her name was Martha. Seriously?

In fact, how does Clark Kent Have a job?

Because unlike, the Avengers and the X-Men, he doesn’t rely on an old disabled mutant army collector to pay for his laundry and Chinese takeout… and the beer too! In fact, don’t a handful of superheroes have jobs? How come no one’s picking on them?

Why didn’t the world’s greatest detective just Google it?

Another of the human elements that exists in the DC universe – somethings just naturally slip out of our mind even though they’re right in front of us – like the stupidity that most if not all movie critics ignore when their engaged in superhero popcorn munching rom-coms. Why would someone even come up with this objection?

What the holy hell is going on in that desert dream sequence?

Ok… legit… at this point even I was like WTF just happened! But still, just to bring down the Marvel universe, I’d say same shit that happened in X-Men: Days Of Future Past… yea… weird shit!

Why does Lex Luthor blow up his assistant?

Yea I know… sucks! Should’ve been retarded Marvel fans and the critics panning this movie instead! P.s, I didn’t like Jesse Eisenberg as the bad L; he looked like The Joker’s and Mark Zuckerberg’s illegitimate offspring.

Why is Batman such a Batjerk?

Lol! Actually I think he’s more of a cheater than a jerk. But yea, I think he does break his rule… not directly, but indirectly? Go watch it again before being such an Avengerk! Also, maybe not as good as Christian Bale, but Batflek was pretty decent. actually, it doesn’t even matter, can’t see the face behind the mask anyway!

When is “Captain America: Civil War” out?

You mean Gay Boy Vs Tin Man?

And that’s not it! let me also pay homage to critics who thrive on negativity.

Michael Boner from Uncut describes BvS as “The substance of Snyder’s film is crude and unambiguous, lacking any ideological or emotional nuance. Hans Zimmer’s score is made of lead. Characters intone expository dialogue in a manner that suggests they are heavily constipated.” Well, there’s enough english and lack of thought in that to suggest that the reviewer was more constipated himself.

And Joe Morgenstern in Wall Street Journal, “The Incredibles without the fun.” Oh I’m sorry, did you miss Captain America and Iron Man playing with Thor’s hammer, or Deadpool ejaculating?

Wait… there’s more. Alex Abad-Santos shits on vox.com, “A stink bucket of disappointment, a sad and unnecessary PG-13 orphan fight that director Zack Snyder believes is an homage to DC Comics’ most iconic heroes, but is more along the lines of a home invasion perpetrated on comic book culture.” Firstly, correct English please: it’s “is a homage,” and not “an homage.” Secondly, I’ll be following what you have to say on Marvel’s orphan fight a.k.a Civil War!

To the critics of Batman Vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice, stop getting high on Kryptonite and shove a couple of rotten tomatoes down your throat to keep your mouths shut; and to the people who haven’t seen BvS yet, go watch it!

4/5 stars

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