7 Bollywood Songs That Should Have Been Pictured On Madhuri

It’s the 15th of May, and it’s Madhuri Dixit’s birthday… YAY! 😀

And instead of cramming in course material to prep for on-going semester finals, I’m going to take out some time to celebrate the Diva’s birthday by dedicating a blogpost to her ethereal beauty that has been taking my breath away ever since I remember watching Bollywood movies with full attention. So here are a few Bollywood songs that I think would have been a lot better had they been pictured on Mads as opposed to the actresses on whom they were originally pictured.

Chikni Chameli

Ok… so this song Katrina did for the Agneepath remake was quite literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to out-do the benchmark for Bollywood sensuality Madhuri set in the early 90s with songs like Dhak Dhak Karne Laga from Beta, and Humko Aaj Kal Hai Intezaar from Sailaab. Unfortunately, Katrina wasted it!

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There’s no denying that Chikni Chameli in fact drew quite a bit of inspiration from the second of the two Madhuri numbers I just pointed out. Nonetheless, Chikni Chameli was a well-produced song – a catchy beat, the mass-appeal factor, and Ganesh Acharya’s high energy, all-juggling, all-kicking dance moves. Hell, I also had it as my ringtone for a couple of days! But, the biggest disappointment in the song was none other than Katrina herself. Even though she may have gotten the pace of the dance steps right, her face was expressionless. At times it was almost like watching robot let loose in party o dirty men who hadn’t bathed in decades. And for those of you who disagree, watch Badi Mushkil to see how well the Madhuri-Ganesh combo did earlier.

Saiyaan superstar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6iovtWNKo4

Ek Paheli Leela, actually had an interesting story. But being a musical, the songs, the dances, and even the costumes were a total let down. However, this particular song stands out from the soundtrack of otherwise forgettable tunes. Also, I just loved the way Sunny Leone was styled in the video. What’s even more interesting is that this song was choreographed by none other than the legendary Saroj Khan. And………. do I really need to say more???

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Whenever Mads and Saroj Khan have come together, they’ve created nothing less than pure magic on the screen. From Ek Do Teen to Maar Dala, the duo has given hit after hit that we all have drooled and danced to in the cinemas and on our weddings. And had Madhuri been in place of Sunny in Saiyaan Superstar, it would definitely have been yet another super hit but the even more super hit Madhuri-Saroj pairing!

Sava Dollar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtKNNC1OZ7k

This song from Rani Mukherjee’s not-so-successful (I actually liked it a lot though) Aiyyaa was loud, raunchy, and everything filmy! While I loved Rani’s over-the-top performance throughout the movie, I felt that she was a bit of a misfit for this particular song.

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Clearly… you can see who does it better!

Lavni is a traditional Indian dance form that augments feminine beauty in a seemingly animated way. The dance has a lot of pelvic thrusts and spontaneous facial expressions that makes being in the viewer’s seat quite enthralling. Nonetheless, it still requires elegance and fragility. And we all know that in Bollywood, there is only one Queen of latkas, jhatkas, matkas and facial expressions, and that’s Madhuri Dixit. Rani’s pelvic thrusts were more thrusty and less sensual, and her expressions lacked the ada and femininity that Madhuri brings to the style especially in the lavni number she did in Anjaam. Even better, this performance from Jhalak…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ7OQGkPChA

Radha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZqH9Kfv6BI

Ok… so Radha is that song that just came and became an instant hit in local mehndis and weddings. But as flashy as Alia Bhatt looks in the song, I think that had it been a Ghagra style item song featuring Madhuri and the two young boys Varun and Sidharth, it would have been better value addition to the movie just as the Madhuri and Ranbir duo did in Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani, no?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caoGNx1LF2Q

Fevicol Se

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE7Pwgl6sLA

Dabangg had Munni Badnaam, and Dabang 2 had Fevicol Se. Unfortunately, the second of the two songs wasn’t quite as big a success as the first.

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To be honest, Kareena Kapoor was rather lackluster and kinda unappealingly overweight in this song. Moreover, her thumkas were just kicking in midair instead of recording some mega waves on the seismograph. In contrast, the otherwise stiff Salman Khan was in a rather energetic mood in this one, and could definitely have used someone other than his bhabhi or a girl young enough to be his daughter as a dance partner to add some oomph to this song. And boy… hasn’t it been long since we saw Mads and Sallu shake a leg together on the big screen? So yes… Madhuri would have had us better glued to the screens had she been in the song… extra Fevicol Se! Btw, do you remember when she danced to the song at IIFA?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12z0j4_madhuri-dixit-performance-in-iifa-2013_music

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Au_J6jHKE0

Alright… so this is the quintessential Bollywood mujra that has been loved by every Bollywood fan from every generation. While I secretly dream of Sanjay Leela Bhansali re-creating Mughal-e-Azam with Madhuri reprising the role of Anarkali, I feel that, had Madhuri been in the age and time of Madhubala and played the role instead, she would have added a lot more grace and femininity to the song in contrast to Madhubala’s rather transgender like appearance. When it comes to classical dance forms especially kathak, there’s no one better in Bollywood to do the job other than Madhuri. And I doubt that Bollywood will ever see a kathak dancer as good as her.

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Mohe Rang Do Laal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU3eFkY1BTI

Ok… as much as I felt that Deewani Mastani was like a more golden version of Maar Dala, I’ll spare that song and let it be Deepika’s because she actually did it quite well considering that she’s not that great a dancer. But when I watched Bajirao Matsani in the cinema, and when Deepika sat on the floor with her lehnga spread out and gave the first few hand gestures, I was like NOT SHIT… THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADHURI… AND ONLY MADHURI! Don’t think so? Take a look for yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfAFHZ2usIo

The grandeur, the choreography by Pandit Birju Mahraj, the costumes, and the styling – everything; Mohe Rang Do Laal took me back to the Devdas days.

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Need I say more?

When it comes to eastern dance forms, Mads is definitely the undisputed empress of kathak expressions and mudras. And to be honest, having Madhuri as a tawaif in this song would have made a lot more sense than a Muslim princess dancing in front of her father to entertain a guest who she presumably got married to by accepting his dagger!

So… is there a song you wished Madhuri had done?

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Mah-e-Mir: A Lot Of Khalees Urdu And Two Pointless Mujras

Alter an eye-catching teaser aired almost two years ago in 2014; Mah-e-Mir finally hit the screen last weekend. And to be honest, the two year delay pretty much adds on to the sheer disappointment Mah-e-Mir is only second to the fact that it fails to meet the high expectations it sets. From ooh-so-khalees Urdu to a dream sequence on a dhobi ghat to tacky class-less diamond-girl-volume-10-level mujras, Mah-e-Mir has both extremes of art packed into two hours of what should have been a visual treat instead of an endurance test of one’s grey cells and their capacity to absorb redundant crap.

I really don’t know why Pakistani film critics are going all out with praises for this movie because it clearly has some obvious directorial flaws and poorly acted performances that prevent it from being an orgasmic treat. They’re probably either still under the influence of the heavy dialogue-baazi, or they’re just being paid to write a good review! But really, it only takes half a brain to tell that Mah-e-Mir is a chocolate brownie that took too long to bake. Not to mention, something definitely went wrong with the recipe leaving it not only burnt, but absolutely void of the sensuous decadence the chocolate bean brings about in desserts.

In its face, Mah-e-Mir is a tribute to Mir Taqi Mir, but in essence the film is a comparison of both classical and contemporary views on Urdu poetry, and how the latter still has its roots tied down deep within the former. The movie tells the story of a modern day Urdu poet, Jamal (Fahad Mustafa), who challenges classical ideals of poetry by putting forward the question why Mir never saw Neil Armstrong in the moon as opposed to romanticizing it with the beauty of a woman, and highlights his journey into madness.

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While some critics even go on to say that Mah-e-Mir lashes out at the commercialism that dominates the current world of Urdu literature, and how famous writers now seek to buy out the media in order to further publicize their work, they casually overlook how Mah-e-Mir shamelessly contradicts itself by giving out the message that no matter what you do, you’ll still need an influential to give you a much needed break in the world of literature as opposed to you justifying and dignifying your own artistic formations. What’s worse is that the movie lacks constructivism!

Ok… pause… let’s not be too bitchy… or… let’s save the fun part for the end…

What makes Mah-e-Mir shine?

Without a shred of doubt, the best thing about Mah-e-Mir is the exquisite use of the Urdu language and Urdu poetry; but only for a short while (more on that later). The camera work and art direction in some of the scenes that go back into Mir’s life and his rather shallow associations with ‘those’ kind of women were beautiful. Nonetheless, that just wasn’t enough to overshadow the countless flaws in the canvas that desperately tried to paint itself as Sarmad Khoosat’s Manto. In fact, at times I felt that parts of Mah-e-Mir had been re-shot to capture the darkness and intensity that Manto possessed. Hmmm… explains the delay! Alas… Mah-e-Mir failed!

Moving on to the fun part…

A plethora of directorial inconsistencies

Is the moon normally that disproportionately gigantic, or was the director just high on drugs? Anjum Shahzad clearly wasn’t wearing his director’s hat while working on Mah-e-Mir. The movie is punctuated with poor direction that sabotages most of its artistic attributes including the language and camera work. From fake moons that are up and about almost every night to the facade of Jamal’s building being completely unlit while a lonely Jamal sat in his room with the lights on, from the repetition of costumes by the characters in a scene too many to period costumes that were un-researched, Anjum seemed to have turned a complete blind eye to any attention to detail whatsoever.

And to add to all of these follies, Sarmad Sehbai’s writing was a drag. Like, what was the point of Iman Ali’s silent appearance in present day and those constant text messages that seemed as I she were sitting in the days of Mir when mobile phones weren’t even born? And Dr. Kaleem’s ex? Poorly executed and redundant subplots in my opinion!

Like most Pakistani films, Mah-e-Mir too is marred by a screenplay that is stretched like chewing gum and at places leaves you filling in blanks like other poorly written Pakistani movies. This is something our movie writers desperately NEED to get right. It’s one thing to write a script for television where scenes actually need to be long enough to kill forty minutes every week for six months, and it’s a completely different thing to write for a feature film intended to run for approximately two and a half hours!

Itni gaarhi Urdu

Normally the use of such heavy language ends up making one constipated, but I ended up having a severe headache that I had to pass on an IBA farewell dinner later in the evening. Potty jokes aside, the khalees Urdu that was one of the best things about the movie unfortunately became one of the negatives in no time. There comes a point when it feels like the characters of the story aren’t really talking but are instead shooting out verse after verse of heavy poetry in a faceoff that is the least bit poetic. It’s like Sarmad Sehbai thought “Oh, why write dialogues when you can just squeeze in Mir’s actually poetry as dialogues.” so much for khalees-ness! Naturally, the Pakistani audience isn’t accustomed to such heaviness!

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The lack of performances

Ek to mujhe aaj ta yeh samajh nahi aayi ke who the fuck told Fahad Mustafa to become an actor?! His portrayal of both a struggling contemporary poet and the legendary Mir Taqi Mir were as hollow as an egg shell. Also his screen presence on the big screen is quite un-engaging compared to Pakistani men like Fawad Khan and Adeel Hussain. Dear Fahad, aap rehem karein humpe aur Jeeto Pakistan tak hi apne aap ko mehdood rakhein. Shukriya! What is the name of that stupid cycle he gives off as a gift?

And to all those people slobbering over Iman Ali’s beauty as Mahtab Begum, I’d simply say GO GET YOUR EYES CHECKED! She was never a good actress and all you need is a hose to wash off all those layers of makeup on her face to realize that. Not to mention, her beauty doesn’t quite translate all that well on the big screen; she kinda looks like Bella Swan’s asian cousin rom heera mandi. And god… is she one terrible dancer! Wait… was she even dancing?

Sanam Saeed was interesting, but her character ended rather abruptly; more explaining by Sarmad Sehbai required.

The actor who actually did do a fantabulous job with his role was Manzar Sehbai as Dr. Kaleem. Especially towards the end when he takes his glasses off and questions Jamal on his interpretation of Mir’s madness. Wow… that was actually scary!

The two pointless mujras

So bad that they’re actually worth special attention for my crude insults! I just wanted to poke a knife in my eyes to stop the visual torture. Firstly, Iman’s terrible lip-syncing and robotic and un-seductive gestures. Secondly, WHAT WAS UP WITH ALL THOSE DANCE MOVES BY THE SECOND WOMAN? I shock!!! Like I pointed out earlier; tacky class-less diamond-girl-volume-10-level mujras, even Meera’s leaked secrets were far more entertaining than this untalented and hideous looking human anomaly. Also, why was she constantly flashing those star-plus-evil-bahoo looks for no reason? Chalo… at least she was dancing…. all Iman Ali was doing was showing off her cleavage! Hunh… like we haven’t seen that before in all the modeling she’s done in her past! Also, the songs were shit!

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Excuse the HD T20… I doubt it’s a distraction in the first place!

To wrap it up, Mah-e-Mir promises quite a bit with its theatrical trailers, but fails to deliver on a multitude of levels. Instead of being a glorious tribute to Mir Taqi Mir, Mah-e-Mir glorifies nothing but trashy beauty, poor direction, and the ability of so-called critics of Pakistani cinema to clearly identify the difference between a once-in-a-blue-moon-film and a fake moon!

2/5 stars

Hamari Adhuri Hijrat?

So one more Pakistani release and one more disappointment! From low grade lunda bazaar type costumes, to a story with the five letters of the word miles apart from one another, jaw-dropping (in a bad way) dialogues to actors without any talent, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan’s obnoxiously loud vocals to a moronic Asad Zaman (Murad) trying his best to make you feel his pain with his even more obnoxious vocals, and two pretty ladies who were better off keeping their mouths shut, Hijrat had it all – the complete recipe for making a disaster of a movie.

That’s not all this pile of shit packed in itself; the movie seemed to bear an unnecessary resemblance with a certain other Bollywood flick that had its fair share of disappointments as well. well, if you’re repeating someone else’s mistakes, than you deserve to be in the hall of fame for idiots. But more on the Bollywood touch later; the movie and its makers obviously have quite a lot of questions to answer before I get to that bit.

Where does the movie get its name from?

In the English language, the word Hijrat can be appropriately translated and understood as ‘migration.’ But what is completely and absolutely un-understandable is how the producers and director of this bizarre romance drama came up with this name; the movie had everything other than anything remotely tying it with the word hijrat. The only thing that was on an uncomfortable hijrat was by butt in the chair in sheer anticipation of the end of the torture I inflicted upon myself by watching this movie. Or maybe Farooq Mengal’s sanity went on a hijrat to the most abandoned of reaches within Pakistan’s sewerage system with the pathetic production, direction, and screenplay combined.

What’s up with Murad’s mother?

Ek to… her hideous wardrobe that makes her look more maad-ren than modern…  oopar se she keeps calling her ex-husband a selfish asshole, then she decides she wants to get back with him again… matlab ke iss aurat ko cancer tha ya yeh apna dimaghi santulann kho baithi thi?! Also, I thought forehand chamaats (slaps) were way out of fashion. And boy did she ut in a lot of effort into swinging that one on Murad’s face. And for some reason, she kept on saying the same goddamn line…

“Tum boht selfish ho,”

Aur aap shayed paindu pannay ki mareeza hain!

When did Murad and Gia fall in love?

That… my friends… is the next biggest mystery in the movie after the one involving the film and its title. While a lot is revealed about Murad and Mahi’s rather flirtatious relationship destined to fail, little is known about Murad and his actual true love – Gia. All we get to see about their past is him carrying her in his arms and taking a stroll somewhere down the streets of Istanbul because she was suffering from a broken heel. Yep, that’s when Murad fell ‘head over heels’ for Gia……….

Also… why Murali??

Seriousl??? Like Muttiah Muralitharan

Why was Gia constantly on her period?

Man… this woman had some serious issues…. even more than the people she was helping out in the refugee camp. Ok, so I get that she hates Murad, but why? Are there some details of their past that didn’t make it past the editing table, or weren’t ever written into the already incomplete script? Also, what was the point of showing her getting hitched to someone else, and that sleazy item song that ACTUALLY SHOULD HAVE been edited out of the movie? The torturous tantrums written into Gia’s character were made worse by Rabia Butt’s inability to be emotionally involved with presumed complexity of her character and display even the slightest bit of acting potential within her. No matter how pretty our Pakistani girls are, they still have a long long long way to go as far as their acting skills are concerned.

How come Gia and her other female colleague don’t get a sun tan?

Wait… let me ask Zubaida Apaa and get back to you on that one. It’s probably fucking dry over there somewhere in the middle over nowhere, and the two look like they just walked out of a beauty salon! Reality please??? No? Ok!

Why didn’t the psycho woman die in the end instead of Gia?

Alright… so both Gia and that psycho woman ran across the forbidden fence into the minefield. Not only that, they both ran on the same path. Yet the bomb decided to trigger only when Gia stepped on it – I guess it was on high bitch alert! Dear Farooq Mengal… WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU SMOKING? PLEASE GIVE SOME TO ME TOO!

And just exactly how naïve is Mahi?

“Kya Gia Murad ko Mahi se bhi zyada pyaar karti hai?

Does that matter you dumb blonde? What’s important is that Murali loves Gia more than you! But what was actually epic was she asks Murad whether his genuinely not read for marriage, or was he just not ready to marry her and Murad retorts by saying “OF COURSE main tumse shaadi karne ke liye teyaar nahi hun!” Lol! Mahi… aap sharam se doob marein! 😀

Also… Rubab was even worse than Rabia in the movie.

And finally, the golden question…

Did anyone think Hijrat was trying to be Hamari Adhuri Kahani?

Throw in some good music, the real emotional quotient, better performances, and a slightly less incomplete script, and you have a Hamari Adhuri Kahani (HAK), no? Ok… in the beginning, Murad cries like a baby and reaches out to nowhere-ness just as Vidya Balan does after stepping off the bus near Basra in HAK. Gia has difficulty in letting go of her past to embrace her future just like Vidya Balan in HAK again; only difference, Vidya got both the emotions and the drama perfectly right. And Gia dies by triggering a mine by accidently stepping on it in the climax just like… urm… Emraan Hashmi in the climax of HAK… yes, a bit of a gender switch there. Also, I felt that some of the graphics used in the opening credits of Hijrat were also quite similar to HAK’s overall publicity design. Which brings me to my next point; banday ko agar copy bhi karni hai, to zara dhang se kare!

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By the way, the movie ended as abruptly as a couple interrupted while having sex when someone walks in the room except that this movie was not even a zillionth of a fraction close to anything entertaining let alone exciting!

To wrap it up, Hijrat was more of a fill-in-the-blank exercise forced down your throat instead of a movie you were supposed to watch. Weak screenplay and terrible performances by the lead cast make sitting through the entire duration unbearable.

1/5 stars

Not Quite The Treat For SRK Fans

For all those who are thinking that Fan is SRK’s redemption after a disastrous Shitwale, think again, because it isn’t. In fact, the movie is nothing beyond a poorly executed tribute to the great actor that Shah Rukh Khan is; an absolute injustice to his real fans and the stardom that he enjoys.

Anyway, you know how they say that you have seven lookalikes wandering somewhere on this little blue planet of ours? Well, Fan is the story of two lookalikes; one’s a really famous actor, and the other is a diehard fan of the actor’s. The plot is simple; fan wants to meet his idol, fan ends up doing something stupid to get his idol’s attention, idol teaches him a lesson by having him beaten up by the police, fan is now pissed and wants to get revenge by ruining his idol’s public image. Hmmm… agar Salman Khan hota, I’m pretty sure he would’ve gulped a couple of bottles of liquor and ran over the boy with a speeding jeep to put an end to the whole matter once and for all. And that way the rest of mankind would’ve survived this torturous cinematic journey called Fan!

The biggest letdown in Fan is the script that’s just about as perforated as a sieve except that the sieve still manages to hold back the unwanted shit. In Fan, everything just falls right through the holes in the script and screenplay. And to make matters even worse, there’s Maneesh Sharma’s direction that lacks any attention to detail. Gaurav’s (the fan) character lacks the intensity that SRK had in some of his earlier films like Darr, Baazigar, and Anjaam. The director also failed to capture the degeneration in the fan’s personality post his not-so-pleasant encounter with his idol in a truly dark fashion. Not to mention, quite a lot of questions still lack an appropriate answer. How does the second half just start off in London? Why are there more Indian journalists than Brits in Aryan’s (the actor) press conference in London? And why is he addressing them all in Hindi; are the few non-Indian journalists bilingual? Fine, their faces match, but do they also have the same set of vocal chords too for Gaurav to sound just like Aryan at his convenience? And more importantly, are people really that dumb to be unable to tell the difference between an original and an imposter? Chalo, at least Gauri Khanna could tell the difference between the two men nahi to things would’ve gotten complicated.

To make the weak narrative even more of a drag, the action sequences were long enough for me to take a power nap especially the cat and mouse chase atop rooftops somewhere in Europe, and also the one in the streets of Delhi towards the climax. The climax too wasn’t all that great either; too preachy – the good vs bad bhaashan and good always trumping bad – too predictable in my opinion. And hey, doesn’t the head normally squelch open like a pomegranate when it makes a crash landing on the ground from a couple of stories high? Hmmm… maybe the director ran out of tomato paste to capture the bit of reality that was lacking! Shouldn’t Aryan be tried for murder? Technically no one saw him not-push Gaurav down the building…

Moving on to Vishal-Shekhar’s music – or the lack of it to be more exact, Jabra was barely catchy. To be honest, a movie based on Bollywood stardom and fandom without any songs is a concept hard to digest; kind of like biryani without potatoes. Song and dance is the soul of Bollywood after all. Fan definitely could have used some good music to carry the otherwise shitty narrative and story forward and alleviate a fraction of the boredom it continuously inflicted upon its watchers. In fact, SRK’s performance for the lavish NRI wedding could have actually been a dazzling item number. And all we got was one promotional song in 11 different languages… probably even more.

And who were all of those actors in the supporting cast? Were they deliberately shitty just so that SRK could steal the show in an otherwise lackluster party with even more subpar performance?

The only thing that makes Fan work in the most mediocre of ways is SRK and his performance as both the actor and the diehard fan. Even though he was just a notch above average, he was the movie’s only saving grace from being a complete washout at the BO. The anti-hero is a concept that SRK cultivated way back in the 90s when he started off as an actor, and at a time when male leads on Bollywood wouldn’t even dare to think about portraying characters with fifty shades of dark. Darr, Baazigar, Anjaam and Raamjaane were indeed brilliantly acted films and trendsetters in Bollywood. However, while it’s great to see SRK going back to the kind of movies he originally started off with in Bollywood, somewhere down the road he has lost that intensity with all the rom-coms and dramedies that he’s done. In fact, Varun Dhavan’s anti-hero flick was way better than Fan by a long shot.

What’s even more disappointing is how all that SRK does now is movies that lack content and a clear display of the actor’s true acting potential, and bank largely on nothing but his aging stardom. Unfortunately for him, times have changed and audiences have become a lot smarter. Dear SRK, you really need to pull your shit together and stop delivering crap after crap; better luck next time SRK.

To wrap it up, Fan has more fandumb than fandom and desperately tries to come off as an action thriller, it’s yet another B-grade production out of the Yash Raj camp that’s getting way too much hype than what it actually deserves.

2/5 stars

Dedicated To Batman Vs Superman Haters

And I’m back… after a three month hiatus. IBA really is getting the best of me, and I’m not liking it a single bit. Never even got a chance to complete my reviews for Bajirao Mastani, Ho Mann Jahaan, Sanam Teri Kasam, Sanam Re, and Deadpool. See… that busy with business finance, operations management, and fucking macroeconomics. Can’t wait for this shit to get over once and for all! #MBASucks

Moving on, while I’m still contemplating on what to write for Kapoor And Sons, which by the way was a totally amazing watch, I thought I’d just go ahead with Batman Vs Superman first. Yes I know… more than a week late. But that’s ok I guess, no?

So, is BvS (keeping the title short for convenience) good or bad? My answer: IT’S GREAT!

However, the way I see it is that a number of Marvelists and Avengers have gotten together to throw all sorts of shit on BvS just before the release of Civil War. Dirty play I’d say. The movie got a shockingly low 29% on Rotten Tomatoes compared to a en even more shockingly high 83% for Deadpool, and tons of negative feedback from critics – or should I say self-proclaimed critics from all over the internet. They’re calling it “too dark” and “humorless,” a “stink bucket” and a “lousy orphan fight.” Lol… orphan fight is kind of funny, but more on that later.

To be honest, I kind of like DC and their ‘dark’ approach to storytelling, and also the fact that their movies aren’t just a bag of jokes and over-the-top destruction porn. While the folks at Marvel might just wake up one fine morning and say” Oooh, let’s make a movie with lots of blood splashing here and there, chunks of cities being lifted into the air, and alotta sexual references as jokes, DC actually puts a little more thought into their films by making the stories more character driven, and at least try to acknowledge the fact that destruction porn does in fact have collateral damage and needs to be taken to the side. Besides, since when did ‘fun’ become the same as ‘good’? Just because a movie is ‘fun,’ doesn’t mean it’s also ‘good.’ Avengers: Age of Ultron was ‘ fun,’ but ‘good’… hmmm…

Now I’m not saying that BvS was absolutely flawless; even the best of cinema does come with its fair share of bads. I was NOT ok with lack of disrespect towards superheroes and their secret identities, the weird-ass dream sequence with flying human insects, and a rather disappointing depiction of Lex Luthor. But for me it’s simple; if it’s generally more than good, then I’ll probably overlook the bad in it, and if it’s bad, then I’ll leave no stone unturned in sabotaging even the slightest bit of good there is in it… and that too in the most crudest of manners. Oh btw, I also cried when Superman was assumed dead! Thank god he’s still alive; yea… maybe then BvS would’ve sucked big time otherwise! Yes, Hnery Cavill as Superman is totally hot… the best after Tom Welling in Smallville.

And as I’ve always said, it’s never fun to review good movies – I repeat – good movies, I’m just going to go about this just like my take on Fifty Shades Of Grey; trash the stupidity of people trying to bring down the movie in question.

So, a couple of questions people (Marvelists I’d like to assume) have been putting forward that I’d like to answer in my own way…

Why so serious?

I don’t know… Maybe because DC heroes have a lot more to do other than sit around in a big fat mansion and crack spandex jokes and take a dig at each other’s mutant powers? Or were you expecting a superhero rom-com for post Valentine’s Day sex?

Why doesn’t Clark report that Superman is innocent?

Maybe because he works for a daily newspaper, and not a personal blog? Besides, Clark writing a piece on his own innocence is probably more ridiculous than people thinking that Batman saved Superman’s mom just because her name was Martha. Seriously?

In fact, how does Clark Kent Have a job?

Because unlike, the Avengers and the X-Men, he doesn’t rely on an old disabled mutant army collector to pay for his laundry and Chinese takeout… and the beer too! In fact, don’t a handful of superheroes have jobs? How come no one’s picking on them?

Why didn’t the world’s greatest detective just Google it?

Another of the human elements that exists in the DC universe – somethings just naturally slip out of our mind even though they’re right in front of us – like the stupidity that most if not all movie critics ignore when their engaged in superhero popcorn munching rom-coms. Why would someone even come up with this objection?

What the holy hell is going on in that desert dream sequence?

Ok… legit… at this point even I was like WTF just happened! But still, just to bring down the Marvel universe, I’d say same shit that happened in X-Men: Days Of Future Past… yea… weird shit!

Why does Lex Luthor blow up his assistant?

Yea I know… sucks! Should’ve been retarded Marvel fans and the critics panning this movie instead! P.s, I didn’t like Jesse Eisenberg as the bad L; he looked like The Joker’s and Mark Zuckerberg’s illegitimate offspring.

Why is Batman such a Batjerk?

Lol! Actually I think he’s more of a cheater than a jerk. But yea, I think he does break his rule… not directly, but indirectly? Go watch it again before being such an Avengerk! Also, maybe not as good as Christian Bale, but Batflek was pretty decent. actually, it doesn’t even matter, can’t see the face behind the mask anyway!

When is “Captain America: Civil War” out?

You mean Gay Boy Vs Tin Man?

And that’s not it! let me also pay homage to critics who thrive on negativity.

Michael Boner from Uncut describes BvS as “The substance of Snyder’s film is crude and unambiguous, lacking any ideological or emotional nuance. Hans Zimmer’s score is made of lead. Characters intone expository dialogue in a manner that suggests they are heavily constipated.” Well, there’s enough english and lack of thought in that to suggest that the reviewer was more constipated himself.

And Joe Morgenstern in Wall Street Journal, “The Incredibles without the fun.” Oh I’m sorry, did you miss Captain America and Iron Man playing with Thor’s hammer, or Deadpool ejaculating?

Wait… there’s more. Alex Abad-Santos shits on vox.com, “A stink bucket of disappointment, a sad and unnecessary PG-13 orphan fight that director Zack Snyder believes is an homage to DC Comics’ most iconic heroes, but is more along the lines of a home invasion perpetrated on comic book culture.” Firstly, correct English please: it’s “is a homage,” and not “an homage.” Secondly, I’ll be following what you have to say on Marvel’s orphan fight a.k.a Civil War!

To the critics of Batman Vs Superman: Dawn Of Justice, stop getting high on Kryptonite and shove a couple of rotten tomatoes down your throat to keep your mouths shut; and to the people who haven’t seen BvS yet, go watch it!

4/5 stars

Say Hello To Shit-wale Dulhania Le Jayenge

Yet again, I’m late! Damn it… I hate sipping what I do best for some stupid academics – trash movies that are actually quite trashworthy!

And what do we have this time around? Aah yes… one of the most anticipated releases of 2015 (happy new year btw) that despite being a full on shity affair, turned out to be a success at the Box Office – Lid-wale; ooops… I mean Dilwale. Actually considering it was shitty and directed by the shitman Rohit Shitty himself, Lid-wale works just about fine as well.

The pre-release trailers showcasing this multi-starrer pretty much had ‘dud’ written all over them, but the Bollywoodholic that I am, I wanted actual proof. And I got just that. Here’s why you should skip Dilwale… in case you haven’t seen it already. and if you have, then here’s a belated moment of silence for your grey cells.

Rohit Shitty at his shiftiest

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Ok… so the guy is known for making massy entertainment that’s just very likable and commercially successful (the Golmaal series, Singham and Chennai Express being very good examples), but this time around, Rohit Shitty seems to have missed the bullseye by more than just a mile. Dilwale was like a quick-fix movie that Rohit felt he just had to make and release on a holiday weekend to capitalize on the holidays of course, the jacked up ticket prices, and the star power of celebrities. Well Mr. Shitty, you failed big time this time, or should I say that you slipped while taking a dump in Indian style. If only you had spent more time on the toilet, you might have actually come up with something a lot better. Dilwale isn’t just another of your films to enter the (much over-rated) 100 crore club, it’s a big fat smelly blotch of brown on your career. Go figure!

Unoriginality has a new benchmark

Just as shameless as Pakistani couturiers are when it comes to doing runway, Bollywood filmmakers aren’t too different – they never fall short of unoriginal ideas! However, Dilwale set a totally new benchmark this time. I mean even ctrl+C, ctrl+V can’t do better that Rohit Shitty’s and SRK’s shitty production houses. Dilwale was like watching a forced mash-up of SRK’s (and Kajol’s) movies in an attempt to woo a much younger generation of film enthusiasts faintly familiar with the yester years Bollywood cinema. What’s worse is that it actually worked. Oh dear, I actually feel sorry for these people who have absolutely no idea of the greatness of the 90’s Bollywood era that has produced some of the best films and timeless music that Indian cinema will ever see and listen in god knows how many years to come. So let’s see

SRK and Varun were brothers just as in K3G

SRK was the adopted brother also like K3G

Kajol and Kriti were sisters also like… yep you guessed it, K3G

That gaindwaa song… oh bhai… K3G hi dikha dete iss se behtar

The background music and the dialogues were stolen from all over DDLJ

Was that the theme from Star Wars?

15 years, 4 months, and something days… Devdas please

Need I say more?

Oh yes… the Mission Dilwale scene…. /facepalm!

SRK’s losing his charm

Honestly, I’ve never been an SRK fan, but he’s always had this charming screen presence that’s made him very likable over the years. And if you disagree, watch Dil to Pagal Hai. But much like our Sallu Bhai who’s growing and looking too old to be playing young roles now, SRK too seems to enjoy living in a sorry state of constant denial. Can someone please tell him that he needs to start playing roles that suit his age? You know, heroine ka abba, ya phir hero ka dada, instead of the pedophilic hero himself. Thank you. At this point, I can only hope Raees and Fan aren’t a letdown.

The music… what music?

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And Black?

Actually, Rohit Shitty’s movies have never had the best of soundtracks, and Dilwale’s music is just more of the crap that you’d want to throw into the obsolete pile of CDs; unmelodious and forgettable. While I took a power nap through most of the songs, there’s one that I just couldn’t get over – the apparently original yet highly VFX-ed Gaindwaa song. Yes I know, it’s Gairuwaa, but I heard Gaindwaa the first time I heard it. Also it just kept reminding me of Sooraj Hua Madham from K3G! Like seriously??? Movie to unoriginal hai hai, at least gaane to original bana lo bhai mere! Anyway, being part-couturier myself, I’m still trying to figure out what PANTONE is Gaindwaa… or gairuwaa… help please…

Comedy gone wrong

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Much needed ethnic cleansing of bad comedians in Bollywood!

Varun wanted to put sindoor in SRK’s maang. No wait, Ramlal and Pogo… awe so cute! Or that funny guy who apparently did most of the comedy in Fukrey, and was trying desperately hard to be funny and relevant to DiJwale. Johnny Lever is still alive? Yawns, yawns, and nothing but more yawns! The correct college-going term for the many not-so-funny jokes in Dilwale is ‘sukha!’

In fact, it wasn’t just the comedy that was lackluster; it was also the (over)acting that seemed to be nothing more than ordinary… subpar in some cases. SRK and Kajol were by far the most experienced actors in the lot. Yet they failed to deliver anything that was beyond mediocre. And considering that Varun is the son of one of Bollywood’s most celebrated funny bone ticklers David Dhavan, his comic timing in particular was shockingly disappointing. The rest were props that added little value to the fiasco.

The lack of chemistry between SRK and Kajol

Non-existent is more like it! I don’t know, maybe it was them being horrible misfits in characters defying the rules of age, the fact that it’s been years since they’ve worked together, or simply the stupidity of the movie itself, the SRK-Kajol pair was anything but magical this time around. And considering that Dilwale was banking on that and only that, it’s not surprising that the movie lacked any amount sparks at all. In fact, when I was watching Dilwale in my third home, there was this big group of teenage boys and girls who kept hooting and screaming whenever SRK and Kajol came face to face. God how I wanted to beat them to pulp! I mean, for someone like myself who has grown up watching Bollywood in the 90’s, Dilwale just failed to capture the romanticism that made the SRK-Kajol pairing what it was back then. And NO, forcefully throwing in DDLJ dialogues didn’t help at all.

And why exactly should you watch Dilwale?

Only because of Kajol!

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Kya hai raaz? AApa ke totkey, ya Vitamin ke injection?

In a nutshell, Dilwale is your typical Bollywood recipe for disaster; no script; bad performances, forgettable music, and cars flying around in the air for no reason, unimpressive and skippable. Watch it only if you’re an unconditional SRK and Kajol fan. But even then, be prepared to be thoroughly disappointed.

1/5 stars

Family Values: The Sooraj Barjatiya Way

The things that you know you will learn after watching a Sooraj Barjatiya family drama are a few important lessons on life and some really good traditional family values. And of course, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo being a Diwali release was full of those… btw, I’m just terribly sorry for being so late with this… IBA is draining the life out of me.

Anyway… here’s what Prem Ratan Dham Payo will teach you in two and a half hours of lavish sets, music and costumes.

Stepsisters will always be there for you

And when you decide to pay them a visit to bridge the gaps, they won’t bring you a glass of thanda thanda rooh-afza. Instead, they’ll bring in a lawyer and demand their rightful share of inheritance from you without even trying to listen to what you have to say. Not to mention, if you bring them gifts, they’ll decide to play football with them and kick them out of the door. Hmmm… selfish has a new face and it’s pretty.

Younger brothers kill for family

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That perfect family picture!

Correction…. let me rephrase that; younger brothers kill for money. They wouldn’t even think twice before plotting your death so that they could acquire what’s yours. Goodness gracious me, after all the sibling love between Prem and Rajesh from Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Sooraj Barjatiya definitely got it wrong this time.

Fathers will always be noble

They’re always noble and believe in family staying together. So strong are their family values that despite being happily married, they’ll still fuck around with their mistresses and produce even more heirs to their kingdom so that the kids could eventually fight it out when they grow up. What sanskaar I tell you!

Girls must practice living in their sasuraal after their engagement

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That’s right!

Ahaaan… Ok, so what princess lingers around the palace of her husband-to-be for an endless length of time; does she not have anything better to do in life? And does she really need to be a ‘begaani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana’ and dance on every pointless occasion that too on the stupidest of songs? Here I would also like to add that Sonam Kapoor’s wardrobe was blindingly hideous… worse than what you would get at Karachi’s jama cloth market famous for tacky, inexpensive bridal wear.

The moral code for the girls – Sati Savitri

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And apparently this sati savitri of a princess can’t wait to get laid before her marriage. Hence she decides to seduce her to-be Mahraaj in a secret garden that has a bed already prepped in the middle of flowers and invisible fans blowing out of nowhere. Oh and she even locks the door. But here’s what’s even funnier. First; she can’t tell the difference between the real prince and the fake one because… well… they’re both literally the same person, and second: the real prince had already turned down her desperate desires the last time they met on the roof. I mean was she honestly expecting things to be different this time around? I guess she heard slutty instead of sati, Kalmoohi kahin ki!

Control your emotions

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Actually this applies to the slutty princess who couldn’t control her jawani too, but Sallu bhai was even more epic… in the fail wala sense! The dude needs some serious anger management. With all that rage trapped within his… muscles, we wouldn’t need earthquakes or fat women dancing to rock the planet. So yes, you should always control your anger; otherwise you just might end up killing your lookalike who’s been getting all comfy with your fiancé. Btw I’m still trying to figure out… HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SHAKE A FORTRESS FROM ITS ENTIRE FOUNDATION WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY?

Money isn’t everything

That is precisely why Sonam Kapoor’s grandmother decides to get her married off to an absolute nobody who looks just like a filthy rich prince. If only we all had a lookalike who was fucking filthy rich, we’d have pretty brides with healthy pockets! I guess the grandmother was trying to break a social stereotype… right!!!

And of course, the most important lesson…

HOW TO MAKE A REALLY STUPID MOVIE

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In all its overhyped grandeur, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo was a ratan crafted with the least bit of prem by Rajshri Productions. From a host of terrible performances, ugly costumes and terrible music, this one was definitely one of the worst Diwali gifts ever.

1/5 stars