The things that you know you will learn after watching a Sooraj Barjatiya family drama are a few important lessons on life and some really good traditional family values. And of course, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo being a Diwali release was full of those… btw, I’m just terribly sorry for being so late with this… IBA is draining the life out of me.

Anyway… here’s what Prem Ratan Dham Payo will teach you in two and a half hours of lavish sets, music and costumes.

Stepsisters will always be there for you

And when you decide to pay them a visit to bridge the gaps, they won’t bring you a glass of thanda thanda rooh-afza. Instead, they’ll bring in a lawyer and demand their rightful share of inheritance from you without even trying to listen to what you have to say. Not to mention, if you bring them gifts, they’ll decide to play football with them and kick them out of the door. Hmmm… selfish has a new face and it’s pretty.

Younger brothers kill for family

Correction…. let me rephrase that; younger brothers kill for money. They wouldn’t even think twice before plotting your death so that they could acquire what’s yours. Goodness gracious me, after all the sibling love between Prem and Rajesh from Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Sooraj Barjatiya definitely got it wrong this time.

Fathers will always be noble

They’re always noble and believe in family staying together. So strong are their family values that despite being happily married, they’ll still fuck around with their mistresses and produce even more heirs to their kingdom so that the kids could eventually fight it out when they grow up. What sanskaar I tell you!

Girls must practice living in their sasuraal after their engagement

Ahaaan… Ok, so what princess lingers around the palace of her husband-to-be for an endless length of time; does she not have anything better to do in life? And does she really need to be a ‘begaani shaadi mein Abdullah deewana’ and dance on every pointless occasion that too on the stupidest of songs? Here I would also like to add that Sonam Kapoor’s wardrobe was blindingly hideous… worse than what you would get at Karachi’s jama cloth market famous for tacky, inexpensive bridal wear.

The moral code for the girls – Sati Savitri

And apparently this sati savitri of a princess can’t wait to get laid before her marriage. Hence she decides to seduce her to-be Mahraaj in a secret garden that has a bed already prepped in the middle of flowers and invisible fans blowing out of nowhere. Oh and she even locks the door. But here’s what’s even funnier. First; she can’t tell the difference between the real prince and the fake one because… well… they’re both literally the same person, and second: the real prince had already turned down her desperate desires the last time they met on the roof. I mean was she honestly expecting things to be different this time around? I guess she heard slutty instead of sati, Kalmoohi kahin ki!

Control your emotions

Actually this applies to the slutty princess who couldn’t control her jawani too, but Sallu bhai was even more epic… in the fail wala sense! The dude needs some serious anger management. With all that rage trapped within his… muscles, we wouldn’t need earthquakes or fat women dancing to rock the planet. So yes, you should always control your anger; otherwise you just might end up killing your lookalike who’s been getting all comfy with your fiancé. Btw I’m still trying to figure out… HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SHAKE A FORTRESS FROM ITS ENTIRE FOUNDATION WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY?

Money isn’t everything

That is precisely why Sonam Kapoor’s grandmother decides to get her married off to an absolute nobody who looks just like a filthy rich prince. If only we all had a lookalike who was fucking filthy rich, we’d have pretty brides with healthy pockets! I guess the grandmother was trying to break a social stereotype… right!!!

And of course, the most important lesson…

HOW TO MAKE A REALLY STUPID MOVIE

In all its overhyped grandeur, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo was a ratan crafted with the least bit of prem by Rajshri Productions. From a host of terrible performances, ugly costumes and terrible music, this one was definitely one of the worst Diwali gifts ever.

1/5 stars