movies | arsalan writes…

Dil Dhadakne Do: A Case Of Very Low Blood Pressure

Posted on June 24, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

I was super-excited to watch this one because of the ensemble star cast, Zoya Akhtar’s style of realistic dramedy, and also to see why Madhuri turned down the role of Anil Kapoor’s wife… and boy was I disappointed! As the literal English translation of this dud of a family drama goes ‘Let The Heart Beat’, while sitting in my seat sipping on a can of my favorite soft drink I was like “ab dhadak bhi lo!” There were way too many extra people in this movie than blood pressure shooting melodrama to make DDD something even half as exciting as what it was.

To start off with this cruise that journeys into disaster, let’s take a closer look at the cardinal characters of this not-so-blood-pumping drama.

Kamal Mehra (Anil Kapoor): the 50+ year old filthy rich businessman who’s a cheater of a husband and an asshole of a father. His company Ayka is on the verge of bankruptcy and he wants to get his son engaged to the daughter of a potential investor to save his sinking ship – not the one they’re traveling on.

Neelam Mehra (Shefali Shah): the careless housewife who doesn’t give a fuck about her husband and the things that he’s doing behind her back. She also doesn’t give a fuck about her daughter’s happiness and expects her to live life the way she did – happily unhappy. So glad Mads ditched this rather hollow role!

Ayehsa Mehra (Priyanka Chopra): the first born of the Mehra’s who’s successfully running her own business and is also bored of living with her chauvinistic asshole of a husband Manav… and also wants a divorce. But currently, she’s more upset that her name wasn’t printed on the invites that were sent out to celebrate her parents’ wedding anniversary.

Kabir Mehra (Ranveer Singh): the irresponsible and useless son of the Mehra’s who is supposed to take over the family business, but he wants to become a pilot instead. Oh and, he wants his father’s plane for which he will quite literally do anything.

Sunny Gill (Farhan Akhtar): Kabir’s friend and Ayesha’s ex-boyfriend a.k.a special appearance.

Farah Ali (Anushka Sharma): skanky cabaret girl on the ship who’s not supposed to have affairs with onboard passengers, yet she carelessly breaks the rules. Also… she’s Muslim!

Manav Sangha (Rahul Bose): Ayesha’s chauvinistic asshole husband … who also looks pretty ugly when he cries.

Pluto Mehra: the dog narrating the entire story trying to convince the audience that dogs are a better race than humans. Also, Aamir Khan’s barking for him.

Now that you know the important ones, let’s move on. DDD has a fairly simple plotline. On the eve of their 30^th wedding anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Mehra decide to take a couple of family and friends on a 10 day cruise across the Mediterranean. However what was meant to be a pretentious display of the life of the ‘perfect’ family, the trip is poised by several ugly confrontations between the Mehra’s and some of their guests.

The problem with DDD however is that being a dramedy, it lacks the adrenaline rush that you normally experience – or should experience during moments of intense emotion characteristic of typical Bollywood cinema. And neither does it have enough cortisol to stress you out. None of the moments where your heart should actually be beating faster than it normally does are actually worth it. In fact, you just sit there waiting for some real drama to actually happen

I mean, when Ayesha blurts out that she wants to divorce Manav in front of her parents in a rather accidental slip-of-the-tongue, I was like meh, I want to go potty… big deal! When she actually tells Manav about it, I was like; okay wasn’t this the best time for her to do one of those “main maan banne waali hun” vomits?

And when Farah finds out that Kabir is actually getting engaged to Noorie, she probably forgot to dump enough glycerin in her eyes to make her feelings convincing.

Also, Neelam could have used a lot more bewafa, sanam harjayi, dhokebaaz, behsram type dialogues to address her cheater of a husband instead of just hogging down some more chocolate cake – typical depressed woman behavior I tell you! Not to mention, the way the two resolved their differences was like…. okay… that’s it? Just a hug? Hey… I paid 500 bucks for some real Bollywood drama, could I at least get something more than just a bloody hug?

Added to that, the fact that DDD was penned by four people also explains why the movie was uselessly all over the place. Yep, DDD was marred by the excess numbers of subplots within the story. I don’t even get what Farhan Akhtar and Anushka Sharma were even doing in the film! And the entire story being narrated by a freakin’ dog was probably the biggest facepalm moment of them all. Also, what was the point of the tiff between Noorie and Rana’s family – Rana is just another extra in the movie, don’t worry he’s not important… until Kamal sees him and Noorie kissing!

Oh and the ending… so like do hosts normally abandon their guests like that? Did Kabir reach the docks? And what happened about Ayka… Kamal’s sinking ship? Could someone please throw the dog off the lifeboat?

In Zoya Akhtar’s relatively small career as a director, DDD is by far her weakest in probably every aspect. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy’s music though situation, is rather unusually lackluster except for Gallan Goodiyaan.

To bring the cruise to a rather tragic end, DDD lacks the adrenaline, the cortisol and the drama to make it an entertaining watch. It’s rather dry, too long and a tad bit boring. Please revitalize yourself to bring your blood pressure back to normal after it sinks to very low levels as you watch this attempt at making a really awesome star-studded drama movie.

3/5 stars

Weddings, Divorce And Re-Weddings

Posted on June 10, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

So Tanu Weds Manu Returns becomes the first Bollywood film of the year to enter the coveted 100 crore club at the Bollywood Box Office. Though to be honest, the first installment didn’t really need a sequel for two main reasons:

1: sequels are rarely better than the first part, which holds true this time as well,

2: and the first part finished at a point that was perfectly complete.

But no… Bollywood directors just have to do what their Hollywood counterparts are doing… like HAVE TO! Either ways, TWMR is still a breath of fresh air compared to all the bad and good crap that Bollywood’s been throwing our way of late.

TWMR begins with a screening of Tanu and Manu’s (Kangana Ranaut and R. Madhavan respectively) wedding that is done in that cheap Bollywood background music + multiple faces zooming from every direction + food close-ups format that we used to have way back in the 90’s – I’m not sure if that was adorably romantic or grossly nauseating. It then takes a four year leap to a point where their marriage is clearly on the rocks.

While at a marriage counseling session, Manu gets enraged at Tanu’s countless and outrageous allegations and the doctors take him in for some shock therapy. To make matters more complicated, Tanu’s friend Payal rings her up from India and tells her that she is pregnant – and also that her husband isn’t the father of the baby. Interestingly, she had opted for in vitro, but the way she goes about describing it suggests that she’s been doing rather slutty stuff behind her husband’s back – not judging… just saying! Anyway, at that point, Tanu decides that she needs a break! She calls up Manu’s friend Pappi in India and asks him to fly down to London to help Manu out of the mental asylum – almost as if it’s as simple as going from this corner of the bed to that corner – and returns to India herself leaving her husband behind in the pagalkhaana.

On her return to Kanpur, Tanu discovers that a suspicious law student Chintu (Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub) who refuses to pay the rent has taken her place in the house. They both become friends and Chintu obviously also goes gaga over Tanu and her notorious ways.

Meanwhile, Pappi successfully brings Manu back from the pagalkhaana and they both fly back to India. Manu meets up with a local lawyer to discuss what he wants to do about his marriage with Tanu. The lawyer advises him to first send a warning letter before nailing a divorce – sudhar jao, warna main doosri dhoond lunga – or something of the sort… whatever… always works.

When shit hits the fant

Upon receiving the letter, Tanu is infuriated and decides to step up her game as well. She digs out her ex-lover and the second contender in her rather awkward Swayamvar from her gunshot wedding parade last time around, Raja Awasthi (Jimmy Shergill); and they begin casually seeing each other despite the fact that Awasthi too is now engaged – the ex can never be an ex after all. This however does not go to well with Chintu who then tells Tanu’s father about his daughter’s loose footsteps and also secretly sends Manu a divorce letter from Tanu. Much to Tanu’s surprise, Manu agrees.

Anyway, one fine day in Delhi University where Manu has been invited to give a lecture on some medical procedure almost as if the university folks knew that he was in town for finalizing his divorce, Manu meets Kusum, a Haryanvi student who got into the university on the sport’s quota. The thing about Kusum is that she looks just like Tanu, but more on the tomboyish side with shorter hair and she’s really good at giving off karate chops… and she’s also Kangana Ranaut.

After constantly stalking her and getting beaten up by a hockey stick, the romance between Manu and Kusum finally blossoms and they decide that they want to get married. The catch however is that Kusum’s brother had originally intended for her to get married to Awasthi. And like that Manu for a second time comes in between Awasthi and his romantic affairs.

What follows next is a wild goose chase from Kanpur to Delhi to Chandigarh and finally culminating at Kusum’s residence in her village where Tanu tries to humiliate Kusum, but gets an earful herself both Kusum and Manu. Payal’s dirty laundry too is dried out in the open and her husband decides to abandon her.

However while preparations for Manu and Kusum’s wedding are underway, everyone realizes that things aren’t right – Awasthi talks to Manu, Payal talks to Kusum and Tanu just dances her heart out in the most unflattering sehra bandhi ceremony ever. And the movie finishes with the signature Kuch Kuch Hota Hai style wedding drama scene – Tanu gets Manu again, Awasthi is left fiancé-less again and Chintu gets one of Kusum’s well-deserved Karate chops bringing TWMR to a rather predictable end.

What really makes TWMR stand out as a movie are its amazing dialogues. The movie is packed with hilarious one-liners that just don’t seize to tickle your funny bone. They do come just a bit short when compared to the first part though.

As far as the performances go, not that the rest were bad, Kangana Ranaut is clearly a winner as she pretty much overshadows everyone else. But the problem that I have with her is that she seems to be stuck at the same level; there’s a very strong resemblance in all of the roles she plays which is actually getting kind of monotonous now. She’s a good actress, but she has yet to prove that she’s a great actress. Jimmy Shergill has come a really long way from his Mohabbatein days and is especially fabulous when acting out characters with grey shades. R. Madhavan is at ease as usual.

There’s the correct version for everyone who still doesn’t get it!

The music of TWMR returns too is rather forgettable except for Banno which is actually quite ridiculously catchy. For those of you don’t know, it’s actually a revised version of a much older, extremely paindu and puke-worthy song way back from the 90’s from a movie starring Manisha Koirala and Sunny Deol – yes who the fuck?

To giftwrap the wedding sequel to an already happily ended prequel, TWMR is just a tad bit underwhelming than TWM for a number of reasons including the dialogues, performances, music and the story in general, but it’s still a hilarious watch. Here’s hoping that Anand L. Rai doesn’t decide to throw in a third installment – Tanu, Manu Aur Bachay!

3.5 / 5 stars

3 Reasons Why 3 Bahadur Is An Epic Disappointment

Posted on June 6, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

To all of those who think that 3 Bahadur is an effort that is taking Pakistani cinema a step forward… well I have three words for you – YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! Oh wait… that’s five…

The movie is in fact nothing more than a bag of cold popcorn and fizzy-less soda that just fails to entertain at so many levels that one begins to cry after almost two hours of painful endurance. Why… why did I bother waking up so early in the morning to go and watch this shit?

And while I may have not seen Sharmeen Obaid’s much talked about Oscar winning documentary, 3 Bahadur makes me feel that her achievement is just about as pointless as Malala’s Nobel prize – or maybe I’m just being really bitchy. Meh… who cares!

Anyway, 3 Bahadur is the story of three brave kids Amna, Saad and Kamil, who are given magical powers as they set off to eliminate the evils that lurk within the darkest hours of our society; the quintessential war between good and evil.

Probably the best part about the movie is that it reaffirms political normality – in order to keep a community of people – or a nation – from progressing and seeing the bigger picture that looms over their well-being like dark clouds, they need to be distracted by creating smaller hurdles. Deprive them of their basic necessities so that they worry more about their survival rather than dealing with the corruption that is responsible for their troubles.

But in all honesty, that’s just about all that 3 Bahadur has to offer. It’s just one of those movies that make you realize how dumb you are for actually taking out the time to be dumbed. And here are 3 reasons why.

Too many loopholes

While Mangu is the main villain in 3 Bahadur, you hardly get to see him in some kick-ass action with the three kids except for the end. More interestingly, what’s Baba Balaam’s main purpose? Also, if evil forces reside in the forbidden tower, then how come good forces reside in it too? Can Amna really run faster than the Flash? And probably the biggest loophole… HOW THE FUCK DOES SAAD OPEN UP A BLACK HOLE BIG ENOUGH TO SUCK MORE THAN A DOZEN ELEPHANTS INTO IT? Oh and all those asteroid looking stones… okay what??? 3 Bahadur just fails to make sense at so many places that it feels like random scenes just joined together – incoherently and forcibly- for the sake of making something that’s just supposed to look awesome. Moreover, there’s hardly any thought that has been put into the story let alone originality. Talk about a very amateurish comic book… that too gone horribly wrong! Also… if children are thrown around by bad guys, aren’t they supposed to end up with broken bones? But then I guess that’s something characteristic of most versions of over exaggerated sci-fi crap…

It tries too hard to be funny

From unimpressive one-liners to un-original jokes, 3 Bahadur isso ultimately boring that it’s not even funny – pun intended! Kamil just desperately tried to be hilarious with his stupid sense of humor, but failed flat out. And the worst was the part when that big fat guy breaks off into a kathak performance as he tries to play dumb when Amna and Saad walk into the forbidden tower to rescue Kamil. That was so miserable that ever the kids in the cinema hall didn’t find it amusing. The only time they were actually laughing was when the fat guy would fall on somebody – predictable in my opinion. I’m glad there weren’t any Tom & Jerry type animations put into those parts as well – you know the kind when the guy who just got squished flattens out completely before re-popping into shape. At times I feel sorry for children and their level of comedy… or maybe I’m just too grown up to watch a cartoon movie that sets a new standard for ‘ridiculously low’.

The animation is lackluster

For a film that boasts itself as the nation’s first full length animated feature film, 3 Bahadur just felt like a really lame attempt at trying to capitalize on the revival of Pakistani cinema. Unfortunately, the style of animation was at least a decade old. I’ve seen kids studying in Pakistan’s leading and not-so-leading colleges do better stuff than the shit I witnessed in 3 Bahadur. It was like watching a really long Safeguard commercial back from the brand’s early days too plastic, too roundish and too long. Added to that, the art work too left much to be desired. Mangu’s depiction as the dark social evil corrupted by hidden forces was totally cliched with the black smoke, the hood and the flaming red eyes – kind of reminded me of a villain taken straight out of one of those Mravel/DC things. The 3 Bahadur were as undetailed as most of the background art in the movie. If only the effort put into making the song in the beginning had been put into the rest of the film, which was also a totally useless addition by the way.

The community ki safai concept has become too old and too dusty and 3 Bahadur is just another speck of dust in that pile. And I’m surprised I actually took this long to throw more dirt on it because it’s usually easier to trash a completely shitty movie than be all praises for one that’s actually worth it.

So yes… screw 3 Bahadur and watch something else… you’re not missing much and neither are your kids!

2 / 5 stars

Piku: Toilet Humor At Its Best

Posted on May 24, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

Smelly… farty… constipated… and full of potty jokes – Piku has to be the best potty film ever… if that is a category of films even.

Piku is the story of… Piku Banerjee (Deepika Padukone), a Delhi based architect who lives with her father Bhaskor Banerjee (Amitabh Bachchan). Even though the movie is titled after the female protagonist, the movie primarily revolves around Bhaskor and his chronic potty problems.

Bhaskor is not only a aged, rude antisocial who does not even think before opening his mouth, but is also excessively hypochondriac – he’s one constipated prick with a really loud trap! In addition, both these traits of his have a profound impact on Piku’s personal and professional life which pretty much begins to stink as well.

Actually he is quite long, dark and ugly…

The story takes a twirl when Bhaskor falls severely ill and realizes that he needs to go to Kolkata to sell a joint family property that he was initially reluctant to sell despite Piku’s insistence. Instead of opting for a convenient mode of transportation to make the journey easier given his medical condition, Bhaskor insists on traveling by road. The father and daughter end up going on the highway with the owner of Piku’s office conveyance provider Rana Chaudhary (Irfan Khan) as none of Rana’s cab drivers are willing to accompany the bossy Piku on a long drive across the country – the girl has serious issues of her own.

The journey however manifests itself as a number of revelations for Piku, Rana and Bhaskor together as they all learn a thing or two about life during their brief stay in Kolkata.

In the end – or better put – after Bhaskor finally takes the perfect poop, he dies and Piku returns to her shitty life with the addition of Rana. The Kolkata property remains unsold.

As film, Piku belongs to its three lead actors – Padukone, Bachchan and Khan; the three are of course tremendous performers and the screen loves them; Piku is just another feather in their caps. Shoojit Sircar’s direction, Juhi Chatunvedi’s writing and the Bengali thaska are top notch. The music is rather fart-like and forgettable though. But I guess that’s okay – the poop was more important than the songs in this one, no?

And I guess that’s about it!

Honestly speaking, writing good reviews isn’t really all that fun; there’s no point in it if there’s no poop to throw around on people. So having said that Piku was awesome, I’m just going to steer this in another direction to keep the words counting and the humor flowing. So here’s what you learn after watching a potty film.

Gandi Baat!

Never talk potty on a date

Especially if you’re at a restaurant! Honestly… why would you even talk about what your food is going to end up looking like before even starting to eat it? Slightly green, squishy, soft with a little bit of puss, mango-pulp like – ewe… the last was just gross!

How to guarantee your old-age-help

If you’re worried that you won’t have anyone to help you through with your potty problems when you grow old, don’t get your children married. Sabotage their professional life by leaving potty queries at their work desk, and tell any potential spouse material about their un-virginity. There… problem solved; your kids won’t be going anywhere anytime soon!

The third will guarantee 100% results

Combine the English style with the Indian style for better results

Our rectum is shaped like a question mark – no shit, like we never knew that; and apparently applying more pressure to the belly makes potty pass out faster. Hence, if you balance yourself in a squatting position on the rim of a toilet seat, you will poop faster. Oh and don’t worry about arthritis or your foot slipping and getting stuck inside the seat – pooping is more important than pooping safely.

Americans are more constipated than Indians because…

The average American diet is full of junk. According to Dr. Arsalan, Americans are on a diet that is high on unhealthy saturated fats and low quality carbs, and considerably low on soluble dietary fiber. The lack of dietary fiber makes their poop hard and restricts proper bowel movements. As a result, Americans tend to take at least 3 days to pass out a piece of potty. Indians – and Pakistanis – need not to worry too much about their constipation issues as they are generally on a diet that is high on dietary fiber and they will eventually poop… before Americans.

Family pressure is the best pressure

When constipation becomes a chronic problem for people in their later ages, no medicine or diet plan will bring them relief. However, what will work is one of their family members – preferably an offspring – giving them a rude awakening and a sound doze on their selfishness. They need to be reminded about how their shameless rant about their children’s un-virginity has left their children alone and even more frustrated. A good five minute lecture will help them pass the most perfect potty they’ve ever passed out in their entire lives.

Of hormones and hemorrhoids…

The ultimate goal of life…

Is to pass the perfect poop! You will die the very next day you do so. So in order to live, stay constipated, or let the diarrhea flow perpetually!

And finally…

Piku is a stool of melodrama set in motion to tickle your funny bone and leave you slightly nauseated by the end. Eating and and drinking while watching is strictly discouraged.

4 out of 5 very perfectly smelling stars

Mr.X Is Not Sexy

Posted on April 25, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

So Mr. X begins at a crime scene…. No wait….

Mr. X begins with a really shady song that goes something like ‘You can call me X,’ and ends with a pedophilic sounding man saying “It is all bloody human heart, Thirsts for Love, Eternal Love, Love, Love!”

OMG… my ears have heard it all!

Even porn has better music!

Raghu (Emraan Hashmi) and Siya (Amyra Dastur) are two anti-terrorism officers who are truly, madly, emotionally, confused-ly in love with one another, and are about to get married just before they are thrown onto another really important mission by their chief ACP Bhardwaj (Arunoday Singh) – Save The Guy Who’s Supposed To Be Elected Prime Minister! But Raghu doesn’t know that he’s being tricked by ACP Bhardwaj into assassinating the politician at a public gathering. Bhardwaj successfully manages to blackmail Raghu into committing the crime by threatening to kill his lady love – yes… in matters of state terrorism, girlfriend over politician… always remember. So much for a national oath!

Siya is devastated at her lover’s apparent treason, and Raghu is beaten by Bhardwaj and blown up in a chemical refinery so that no one ever gets to know.

That’s not the end…

Like how most superheroes in comic book movies survive blasts of epic proportions, Raghu survives too… along with a telephone that he uses to call up his friends and get help. He becomes the lab rat for some blue colored radioactive medicine which restores his burnt body – including his hair, and also gives him the power to turn invisible. But wait… unlike Mr. India who uses a freakin’ awesome watch to vanish, and Hollow Man who is on perma-invisible mode, Raghu has no control over his invisibility; he can be seen in UV light, but not outside of it – wow… new breakthrough in Light Physics! If Malala and Obama got a Nobel Prize for shit, I’m wondering why the person who wrote Mr. X still hasn’t gotten one!

The woes of invisibility!

Anyway, with his new found superpower, Raghu sets off to take revenge from the three bad guys who ‘ruined his life’ – because no girl could see his precious toy anymore and neither could he have babies – like sperm really needed a torchlight down there! Or did his manhood disappear completely?

Would their babies also have been weird too?

Moving on, Raghu kills the first guy, but is almost caught by Siya. In a cat chase, Siya manages to smell Raghu’s familiar perfume despite him being drenched in paint and realizes that he’s not dead. She eventually hunts him down through Raghu’s stupid fat friend… more emotional drama follows… until she eventually decides to help him unmask ACP Bhardwaj and his dirty plans so that they can finally live happily-invisibly-ever-after.

Now it’s over… phew!

XOXOXO

The good thing about movies coming out of the Bhatt camp is that they’re actually different… you know… exploring different genres of cinema instead of the usual Bollywood masala stuff with latkas, jhatkas, melodrama and villains who are actually badass. What’s even better is that you get to hear some really good music as well. But the bad news is that Mr. X is a complete washout in both departments. It’s like watching an over exaggerated animated superhero flick with real people – next level fictional crap!

Alright… so maybe Raghu did fall below ground level and was away from the initial impact of the blast, but that was fucking huge! And how did chemical X regrow all of his hair instantaneously? Like please… could I have some chemical X too… could really use some of that shit you know

And how does a telephone survive a blast that almost kills a man and destroys an entire building? Also… since when did a huge population of foreigners move to Mumbai? Okay maybe it was supposed to be Mumbai, but wasn’t Mumbai – right! More importantly, why does a mini Bhagwaan always have to travel with the hero… especially in a Bhatt movie?

/facepalm

With all its idiocy, Mr. X has to be one of Vikram Bhatt’s worst directorial ventures till date. But I will applaud him for doing a good job with the 3D effects, which are actually better than what you’d see in a good Hollywood 3D movie.

Shugifta Rafique’s writing is just appalling and immature. She would probably make an excellent comic book writer because of her writing’s ridiculous independence of even the slightest bit of realism; how successful a comic book writer… can’t really say much about that though!

Looks like the Jeet-Ankit-Ankur music combination too is on a quick downhill journey. No matter how fantastic or twisted the Bhatts’ movies have been, they’ve always boasted of good melodious music. Be it Kasoor the Raaz trilogy, Aashiqui 1 & 2, Creature or even the disastrous Alone, they’re music has always possessed this uncanny agelessness that rings through the ears year after year. But this time, the songs are pretty much forgettable. I mean what kind of a song is ‘You can call me X?’ Isn’t that what most people call the last person whom they were in a relationship with? And I just wanted to kill myself while watching the disgrace of an item song ‘alif se’ was… which was also horribly choreographed by the way… ugh!

Aah the acting… didn’t see any – pun intended! Emraan Hashmi completely lacked his usual serial kisser sex-factor, let alone the x-factor needed to play a semi superhero kind of character. And when it’s an emotional scene, he should probably just shut up and pull the heroine into a steamy lip lock to save himself the trouble of trying too hard. To be honest, he has potential, but he’s wasting it by sticking around in the Bhatt camp – time to move on boy. Arunoday Singh seems comfortable; it’s just that he’s a bit too good looking to be playing a bad guy. Cheating husband or cheating boyfriend… yes, but dirty government officer with dirtier plans… no! And let’s not even get started on Amyra Dastur. Even myriad acting lessons taken in dastoor might not be enough to help the failed performer that she is – the invisibility of expressions re-defined!

Ooops… I think I said too much about her…

To rate Mr. X, I’d simply say that it’s a chemical experiment gone horribly wrong – no x-factor, no sex-factor, no thrill, but just something completely laughable and forgettable.

1.5 / 5 stars

Broken Horses: Parinda Flies To Mexico

Posted on April 16, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

I should’ve guessed it while watching the teaser and seeing Vidhu Vinod Chopra’s name there… and also by seeing that it is a story of two brothers with a lot of guns and bad guys in it. But it took me a little while to figure it out. Yes… Broken Horses is a Hollywood adaptation of one of Bollywood’s most brilliant offerings in the form of the award winning thriller Parinda way back from the end of the 1980’s. The film also happened to be India’s official entry to the Oscars in the best foreign language film category the following year.

Broken Horses kicks off on a shooting range ‘somewhere on the Mexican border’ where a sheriff tells his teenage son Buddy (played by Chris Marquette when grown up) that he needs to learn how to take a life as there are times when ‘bad people’ need to be stopped, and also to protect his younger brother Jakey (played by Anton Yelchin when grown up). However, at the range, the sheriff is abruptly shot dead and the two brothers are orphaned and are left with Jakey’s violin teacher Ignacio (Sean Patrick Flanery).

Buddy quits school and starts working at a pub so that he can earn money to help Jakey study and continue learning to play the violin. And it is through his new job that the vulnerable and perceivably ‘slow’ Buddy comes across Julius Hench (Vincent D’Onofrio), the local gangster, who manipulates him to avenge his father’s death in pursuit of obtaining a ‘star’ as a medal of his valor, thus co-opting Buddy as his key assassin.

After Buddy’s initiation, the story takes a 15 year leap to a point where Jakey is in New York giving violin auditions and is about to get married to his Italian girlfriend Vittoria (María Valverde). Buddy, who is also supposed to be attending the wedding, calls Jakey back home to give him his wedding present – a ranch that Buddy had promised to build for Jakey when they were young.

However, Jakey’s return to their hometown unfolds into dark revelations that force both the brothers to confront the ugly truth about their lives they had never faced before.

Through the now disabled Ignacio, Jakey learns of Hench’s wickedness. Hench tries to have Jakey killed by one of his assassins, but Jakey kills the assassin instead and realizes that Hench will never let go of his elder brother – even if that meant removing Jakey from the equation.

To protect his elder brother, Jakey decides to join Hench’s gang so that he can work from within to free them both from his grips. In a vain attempt, Jakey orchestrates an ambush to have Hench’s men killed and indirectly warn Hench. Hench eventually comes to know that the rat within his circle of men is none other than Jakey, and once again manipulates Buddy – this time by telling him that Jakey is ‘sick’ and that he needs to kill Jakey out of love to finally put him to sleep.

When Buddy returns to the ranch to kill Jakey, a recollection of what their father had said to Jakey about protecting Buddy – because Buddy was in fact the weaker of the two, prevents him from killing Jakey and his fiancé. Instead, Buddy blows himself along with Hench and his men while setting Jakey and Vittoria free like parinday… pigeons.

The highlight in the story of Broken Horses is undoubtedly the way Hench manipulates Buddy’s innocence and his apparent mental deficiencies by enticing him with the age old trick that most parents use on their children – you know… “Do this and I’ll reward you with candy.” Buddy’s revengeful anger, motivation for setting things straight, his thirst for killing ‘bad people’ is largely driven by his desire to be rewarded for his courage and for doing the right thing… or what he thinks is the right thing. But little does he realize that Hench had transformed him into nothing but a dangerous war machine to execute his own dirty work.

What is also worth mentioning is how Hench convinces Buddy to take his own brother’s life by presenting him with an analogy of a sick horse. Just like people kill a sick horse to put it out of its misery, Hench tells Buddy that his younger brother too is sick and that he needs to put Jakey to rest because he loves him too much to see him in pain. The clever choice of words Hench uses to deem Jakey sick – and not bad, are all it takes to persuade Buddy’s fragile mind into almost doing something horribly wrong.

But is that simply enough for Broken Horses to be considered beyond outstanding? Probably not. And it just becomes worse if one’s a Bollywood-holic.

For anyone who has seen Parinda, pointing out the similarities between the two movies isn’t too hard. Buddy and Jakey are two brothers caught in between gangs and guns just as Kishan and Karan, Jakey is forced to kill his crippled friend as part of his initiation just as Karan is forced to kill his also crippled friend Iqbal, Hench is a pyro-phobiac just as Anna Seth, and Jakey has a super-hot girlfriend just as Karan. 🙂

Of course!

At times it feels just like watching Parinda with a Hollywood cast – a translation. But Broken Horses does fall short by quite a bit in many ways.

Being a film based on organized crime within the world of drug lords and arms dealers, Broken Horses doesn’t come off as gruesome and intense as Parinda did. With all the sensibilities and insensibilities of Indian cinema, Parinda is considered as the best and most realistic portrayal of the harsh realities that dwelled within Mumbai’s darkest at the time for the big screen. Broken Horses on the other hand, just fails to capture the soul of the underworld and the chaos in the lives of the people entangled within it. It seems to linger around Buddy and Jakey’s bromance while not giving one enough reason to cringe in fear or disgust.

And at the very core of it, Broken Horses fails to reflect on the most simple and bitter of realities tied to the criminal world – the blood one sheds will eventually have to be paid by the blood of their loved ones. Broken Horses is more sacrificial than real – the sensibilities and insensibilities of a Bollywood film packed into a Hollywood flick – without the naach gaana of course.

The principle characters in Parinda are a lot better conceived than those in Broken Horses, particularly Anna Seth – Hench’s Bollywood equivalent. Unlike Anna’s story, no one really knows why Hench is afraid of fire. And while Hench may seem like a bit of a softie as he relies on his men doing all of his dirty work, Anna is a lot more brutal and takes things into his own hands if the need arises.

Broken Horses does have its fair share of overwhelming emotions. The scene where Buddy, Jakey and Vittoria are dining together and Vittoria tells Buddy that Jakey after all the years gone by had still saved the dollar Buddy had given him from his first salary in particular made me teary eyed. But the part where Jakey learns the true nature of Buddy’s job doesn’t even come close by a thousandth to the part in Parinda when Karan finds out about Kishan’s affiliation with the heinous world of crime, murder and woman trafficking. And neither is Buddy as apprehensive about his younger brother joining the bad guys as Kishan was about Karan‘s decision to do the same. But then again, I guess Bollywood has always excelled in the drama department… at times a bit too much.

Bromance is more important that the traffic I guess?

Not to mention, the film is scattered with oddities such as Hench’s unexplained interest in Buddy, the sudden assassination attempt made on Jakey, the fact that it still doesn’t feel like a story being told in 2015 and the perpetually burning flame that kept Ignacio warm among others!

Though I guess it would be a bit of an unfairness to totally pan Broken Horses on its failure to be the beautiful cinematic experience that it could have been.

The film does pack a few above average performances– the best being Chris Marquette as Buddy… minus the ‘going bananas’ bit. Anton Yelchin and Vincent D’Onofrio do fine in their spheres as well, but what lets them down is the fact that their roles lack enough substance when compared to Chris’s part. And as one normally expects that the female lead in a Bollywood film (especially back in the 1980’s) is merely there for running around trees, singing ballads and covering her hero’s face in her dense cloud-like locks as he weeps on her shoulder, surprisingly this time around it was María Valverde who seemed to be the decorative prop in the film.

There is no doubt in the fact that Vidhu Vinod Chopra is an excellent filmmaker with films like 1940, 3 Idiots and even the much hyped PK under his belt to prove just that. His Hollywood adaptation of Parinda too is a work of directorial genius on its own if not drawn into comparison with the former – given a few hiccups here and there of course. Despite the fact that the story does fall apart in places, and that the characters are a tad bit underwhelming, the direction and the cinematography are exceedingly well and prevent Broken Horses from being Dead Horses.

But the question that does irk me; if Vidhu Vinod Chopra really wanted to recreate Parinda for a new audience, then why did he not choose to recreate it as it originally was instead of dumbing it down?

To break it down, Broken Horses isn’t really that bad… I just happened to have seen a better version of it before… way before. It has a lot more emotional appeal as opposed to chills and spills that just about any movie based on the realm of organized crime should ideally have.

3.5 / 5 stars

A Serving Of Jali Hui Jalaibee

Posted on March 25, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

There’s Jalaibee that’s orange-ish, sweet, drippy and twisted…. and then there’s Jalaibee that’s multicolored, repugnant, dry and just FUCKED UP!

Just when you think that Pakistani cinema was getting better with films like Na Maloom Afraad, Operation 21, Dukhtar and Waar (each with their fair share of flaws yet still praiseworthy) hitting screens both nationally and internationally, someone jumps right in the middle of everything and shits all over the #RevivalOfPakistaniCinema with a film like Jalaibee that is as bad as a cookery show of the ‘ooh so amazing I-did-this-first’ Chef Rahat! In fact, a lot more disastrous!

Incoherent… retarded… confused… messed up… incomplete… pathetic… ridiculous… clueless… washed out… not-so-funny… dry… brain-fucked……………….. I’m out of words!

So let’s take this one bite by bite… just like we normally eat a piece of good Jalaibee.

Don’t know why… but everybody seems to love these two boys!

Billu (Danish Taimoor) and Bugga (Ali Safina) – yes Bugga, the stupidest screen name in the history of cinema ever – are two pretty faced, humble orphan-turned-robbers who owe a debt to the local mafia led by Dara (Adnan Jaffer). On the night they stole for him; their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and erupts into flames thus burning the money along with it. While opening the fedora, Billu also catches fire, but despite the fire being big enough to cover more than half of his body, it wasn’t hot enough to give him life-threatening burns. Yea I get it… that was supposed to be like a Tom & Jerry moment, but I just sat there with my mouth wide open in shock over the failed attempt at comedy by the two morons!

The next morning Dara makes it to their house… Danish Taimoor is shirtless in this scene… yes ladies… DROOL all over his bare chest, Aaiza’s not watching! Anyway, the badass don that Dara is – or at least is desperately trying to be; he gives them some more time to repay The King’s money. Why Billu and Bugga had borrowed money in the first place, where they stole it from and why Dara is being such a generous mother-in-law to the two… well I guess if the writer doesn’t give a shit about these details then why should you, right?

By the way… these aren’t the only unanswered questions in the story… there are plenty more. Read on!

The King – a.k.a as Akbar (Sajid Hassan) is a corrupt businessman trying to become the Prime Minister of Pakistan – waah! His Jalaibeed royalty is known only to two people – the first being Dara, and the second being a guy named Ali (Waqar Ali Khan) who has come back from England along with his younger brother Jimmy (Uzair Jaswal), seeking revenge from The King for his own Jalaibeed reasons. And in order to get to The King, Ali is having an affair with The King’s daughter Eman (Sabeeka Imam). How they met… the writer doesn’t give a shit about it either. What’s important is that she is completely unaware of her lover’s intentions – awe bechaari. If only Pakistani girls just stopped being so bloody naive!

On the same morning, after giving an interview to ARY News, Eman heads off to Dolmen City where she tricks her guards and runs off to meet her boyfriend Ali. Through an emotional outpour of dysfunctional family memories, Ali gets to know that her father will visit her mother’s grave the next day where he will be all by himself and kidnap-able. I thought that the only place a person running for Prime Minister goes alone is the toilet… seems like The King is a rather brave one!

Simultaneously, in order to repay Dara – or re-rob to repay Dara, Billu and Bugga knock on several doors including a gay brothel to borrow money. They eventually plan to rob a known big shot in the gambling circuit and wind up at a nightclub where they meet Bunno (Zhalay Sarhadi); a prostitute who can assist them In committing the felony simply because the gambler has the hots for her! At this point, it is also revealed that Bunno and Bugga don’t quite get along together; why they don’t get along… humpf… I’m not even going to say it again!

Let me also add that Bunno too is in fact an educated girl who insists that even though she was not able to become a doctor, she knows all her biology… pretty well…

😮

Besharam kahin ki… yehi kaam karna tha to zaroorat hi kya thi parhne ki? Kalankini… naak katwaa di saare khandaan ki… ab tumhaari behno se kaunsa shareefzada shaadi kare ga?

Lol… this one never gets old!

Also, Ali and she are having an affair and once she gets her share of the loot, she’s plans on quiting her dirty business and settle down with him! Leh dus… harkatein Rita jaisi… aur armaan Sita jaisay…

Bitch… the only thing you’re getting is 70 lashes in hell!

The following morning in the ‘central qabristan’ – totally HS graveyard; The King throws a handful of blinding rose petals at the audience watching the abomination of a movie while Ali and Jimmy successfully kidnap him. But their car is stolen by Bugga who is conveniently in the same neighborhood looking for a vehicle for himself. Furthermore, Billu reacts to Bugga’s utter stupidity by shooting the guy in the trunk – they don’t know it’s The King. And with that, The King is reduced to a lowly pawn and his story comes to an end… or maybe the writer just spilled his coffee all over that part of the script!

At home, Eman grows suspicious of Ali. She calls him up and tells him that her father wants him to come over for tea and biscuits – rishtaa mangne ke liye, but Ali himself acknowledges how smartly she figured out he had kidnapped her father – dumbest acknowledgement ever! She tells Dara and Dara is really pissed off at her… like bitch… WHY YOU BEEN HIDING ALL THAT CANDY FROM ME TILL NOW?

Later in the night, Billu and Bugga pick up Bunno and arrive at the secret gambling den where after a failed seduction and intoxication, an overly exaggerated slow motion fight and a murder, the three run away with the money just before Dara arrives at the scene. How Dara figured out there was a party happening there… okay… I have officially lost count!

By that time; Ali, who should apparently be shitting in his pants because he misplaced a guy he had kidnapped earlier in the morning, is present at Bunno’s brothel almost as if he was waiting for her to come back so that she could tell him that she got a ride back home in his car and that she can help him find it because she had a mirage about Billu and Bugga’s whereabouts – what… I’m just trying to fill in the gaps the writer missed!. By the way, this is also the part where Bunno realizes that her boyfriend is actually a dickhead, but she still helps him find his car even though she should’ve told him to fuck off!

Dancing Car moment: never forget to celebrate after finding your missing car. Nevre forget to get a room too!

The next morning, Dara calls everybody at the same warehouse to dispose of all of them – Billu, Bugga and Ali – in one go. And in the most ridiculously executed gun battle, everyone, literally everyone – Dara, Ali, Jimmy, Bunno – The King is still dead in the trunk of the car, and more than a dozen other badies die – except for Billu and Bugga who take the money and run away. Oh the car apparently took off as well… where… how… iska jawaab to director saab ko khud bhi nahi pata hoga!

If Yasir Jaswal is an option, GO FOR HIM!

But wait… it doesn’t end just here. Are you kidding me? How long is this Jalaibee of a story coiled up anyway?

In a hotel room, Billu and Bugga get into an argument about how they should plan their retirement fund. Billu calls Bugga a lallu which pisses him off, but the lallu fails to shoot Billu because he is actually a lallu without balls! And when the lallu tries to walk away with his share of the money, Billu shoots him and then cries over his dead body without a single stain of blood appearing on his crisp white shirt! The doorbell rings and out of nowhere Eman disguised as housekeeping reappears and kills Billu. She burns the money and walks away only to leave behind the most incomplete hint at a sequel ever.

And by now I’m pretty sure that you’ve been raped… mentally!

Stupid dialogues… made stupider by yours truly.

Jailaibee is one shit bag of a movie that fails at so many levels that it’s not even funny… actually it is, but in a different way of course.

Yasir Jaswal’s screenplay is simply appalling. Too many subplots, with too many loopholes and unexplained logic and coincidences just take things too far from being considered as a cinematic liberty. Not to mention, his approach of showing two emotionally distinct scenes progress alongside one another is like going through torturous facial acupuncture that leaves you completely numb till they’re over.

Yet the flaws in his writing are still not big enough to hide some really amateurish mistakes that he makes as a director. The heavenly confetti of rose petals that seemed to come out of The King’s pocket when he was being kidnapped, the car magically disappearing in the warehouse sequence and above everything else… WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KING’S BODY? Really??? That brain dead behind the camera?

Once upon a King!

And the climax – goodness gracious me… even an old man could reach a better climax without having to use Viagra! Too long, too dry and too un-orgasmic!

None of the actors gave a praiseworthy performance. If Ali, Sajid and Adnan were overdoing their bits, Sabeeka, Danish Zhalay and most definitely the other two boys underperformed miserably. Blank expressions to poor dialogue delivery… it was almost as if they were reading their lines off placards placed behind the cameras while being completely unfamiliar with the term ‘acting.’

Ali Safina despite trying so desperately was nowhere near funny. Zhalay was anything but enchanting even in her item song Jawani. Sabeeka was like a zombie who just walked out of a salon that ripped her off. Sajid and Adnan were trying too hard to be badass villains but felt like two pregnant women throwing a useless tantrum. And let’s not even start on Waqar Ali Khan and Uzair Jaswal: failed attempts at acting and English accents just got redefined! Every time the two spoke, I wished I was deaf. Danish Taimoor… despite being a decent actor otherwise, this time around he was completely lackluster. Well I guess if you know that an actor is worthy of giving you a 6 on 10, yet the director is content with a 4 on 10 from him, then we all know that the actor is not the only one to be blamed.

If there was anything in the movie that still serves as a meager saving grace, then that is undoubtedly the camera work – the best I have ever seen in any Pakistani movie till date, and the catchy item song – which was terribly choreographed by the way.

The Real Jalebi Bai

So there you have it – not every Pakistani movie is a step in the right direction; this one is just abysmally pitiful.

To sum it up, unlike the fresh Jalaibees that you get at the corner of your street, this Jalaibee is completely distasteful.

1 / 5 stars

Out Of Focus

Posted on March 10, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

In essence… every Hollywood film is a Bollywood film. And so is Focus. It’s usually the latter that are inspired by the former. But this time it seemed to be the other way around. Since it missed the songs I’ve taken the liberty of adding them along the way. So here it begins.

Accidental Coincidental Meetings

The movie starts off with Jess Barrett – the heroine – an inexperienced con artist played by Margot Robbie who tries to pull off a hand and a job on Nicky Spurgeon – the hero – played by Will Smith, who also happens to be a con artist… just a lot more experienced than the former.

Missing song in the screenplay – Honeymoon ki raat hoti hai… main wohi raat hun…

She obviously fails miserably, but randomly catches up with him in another club where she manages to convince him to become her mentor with her ability to talk dirty and collect enough personal information about his past required for a desi marriage proposal – that information being… his father had in fact shot his grandfather over a con gone wrong. Though in a typical Bollywood film, it’s usually the guys who are doing all the stalking.

Love Is In The Air

Nicky takes Jess to New Orleans where he tests her in a crowded street where the presence of people exceeds the number of extras in a typical Bollywood dance sequence.

Image Source: apnatimepass.com

Second missing song in the screenplay – Chittiyaan kalaiyaan ve oh baby meri chittiyaan kalaiyaan ve… Perfect distraction!

She passes the test with flying colors as she goes latak matak jhatak between the people who are dumb enough to not realize that they’ve just been pick-pocketed, and is finally intruded to Nicky’s big fat family of immorally moral people who do nothing but pickpocket, pickpocket and… pickpocket. At this point, Nicky and Jess begin to fall in love! Jess also finds a beautiful wedding necklace for herself in granny’s loot. But no… stolen valuables have no worth in front of a con artist’s true love. No matter what the Bollywood hero does, he’s always good!

Third song… filmed in Switzerland and chiffon of course – Zindagi ek ajab mor pe aa kharhi thi… Aur tum aaye, aur tum aaye…

The Hero’s Weakness

Fortunately for Jess… it’s not a scantily dressed Chikni Chameli… it’s gambling!

When Nicky and his big fat family have made enough money from New Orleans, they decide to relocate. Nicky has all the money and he promises to wire everyone their cut once they have new addresses. The hero and heroine decide to make a date out of their final moments in New Orleans at a football game.

The mandatory sexist joke! Image Source: wearemoviegeeks.com

At the game, they manage to double their money by coning a rich businessman who is conveniently a bigger gambling addict than Nicky, and who also falls prey to what is touted to be the greatest psychological priming escapade ever. Really? Where’s the part with all the significant planning? Ah… Bollywood cinematic liberty I guess.

Image Source: i.ytimg.com, s1.dmcdn.net

The Hero’s Not So Unfaithful Betrayal

After the ooh-so-magnificent con is successfully pulled off, Nicky gives a clueless Jess her share of the money and abandons her while she sits in the car – heartbroken.

Forth missing song – Kabhi bandhan jurha liya, kabhi daaman churha liya… o saathi re kaisa sila diya yeh wafa ka…

From this point onward, Focus takes a complete nose dive into even more Bollywoodness.

The Second Hero

The fifth song is the one that just shows that time went by in a jiffy – Shamein malang si, raatein surang si, baaghi urhan pe, najane kyun ilahi mera jee ayeaye

Three years later, Nicky is working for a rich motorsport team owner Rafael Garriga played by Rodrigo Santoro, who plans on scamming one of his competitor for a lot of money by selling him a fake copy of his secret technology. Garriga has an assistant, Owens played by Gerald McRaney, who suspiciously watches over Nicky because he doesn’t trust him too much.

OUCH! Image Source: i.ytimg.com, movpins.com, s2.dmcdn.net, whatarethelatestmovies.com,

Admit it, they make a better couple than SRK & Kajol Image Source: i.ytimg.com, movpins.com, s2.dmcdn.net, whatarethelatestmovies.com,

The Real Plot

Yes… the real plot in a Bollywood screenplay generally unfolds in the second half.

Nicky plans to pose as one of Garriga’s disgruntled engineer and pretend to create a drunken drama in his party to entice the rival who is also at the party. By the way, the party is not an engagement party with the loud song and dance that normally follows the second lead’s entry in a Bollywood screenplay. But it is the party in which the hero discovers that his ex is now romancing the person he’s working for. Ladies and gentlemen, Jess re-emerges into the plot as Garriga’s girlfriend. This causes Nicky to actually get drunk and create the drama that he had originally planned to fake. And thus the complicated Bollywood love triangle forms.

Sixth missing song from the screenplay – Saajan ji ghar aaye, saajan ji ghar aaye… Wait… that’s an engagement song… oh well… that’s usually what the second lead does anyway.

Seeing that Jess is still around, Nicky brings back the beautiful necklace for Jess as a sign of his big fat family’s approval of their union in holy matrimony after which they resolve their differences.

Another romantic number somewhere in India – Phool maangun na bahaar maangun… main to sanam tera pyaar maangun…

Image Source: hdfinewallpapers.com, i.ytimg.com, cdn.collider.com, i.dailymail.co.uk

Once Nicky manages to con Garriga’s competitor, he tricks Garriga and sells the ‘actually’ original technology to multiple competitors for a lot more money than what he and Garriga had planned and tries to elope with Jess… and the money as well.

The Happy Ending

Unfortunately, the two are caught!

Turns out that one of the assistants to Garriga’s rivals was Garriga’s own implant who hunts both of Nicky and Jess out. It is revealed that the necklace Nicky had brought back for Jess was actually a fake and he was using her to his advantage all along. It is also revealed that Jess was not Garriga’s girlfriend, but was in fact still ‘doing watches’ and was trying to steal Garriga’s watch all the time… which she failed at miserably… again. Even more shockingly it is revealed that Owens was not exactly Owens, but was Bucky Spurgeon – Nicky’s father – who shoots him because the con went wrong… again.

Garriga flees, Bucky performs some medicinal marvel on Nicky to bring him back to life and abandons Nicky and Jess to safety while walking away with all of the money. The best part… Jess finally manages to steal Garriga’s watch without getting in bed with him so that she and Nicky can finally live happily ever after!

And with the closing credits comes the eighth and last song that is now in every Bollywood movie for the sake of publicity – Tere liye hi to signal torh taarh ke aya dilliwali girlfriend chorh chaarh ke…

So I guess that’s it… pretty much trashed most of it to be any more critical about it.

Glenn Ficarra and John Requa seemed to be a bit out of focus while writing this one. The little sprinkles of humor here and there though were a saving grace from making this flick a blindening experience.

Will Smith has a tendency to do really boring roles with a certain level of dedication; he’s spot on yet another time. I’m still trying to figure out whether that was intended to be a compliment or an insult though. Margot is… well… let’s just say a Hollywood version of Katrina Kaif… slightly better… and funnier. And as for the second lead Rodrigo Santoro… like most Bollywood second leads, their extremely good looks compensate for the lack of ample screen presence which also excuses them for their shortcomings as a performer.

In short, Focus started off fine, but lost focus in no time. Like I said… totally missed the songs in this one!

2.5 / 5 stars

A Different Shade Of Romance

Posted on March 4, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

When you hear too many people talking too much crap about something, you eventually end up liking it. I guess that’s what happened with me while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not half as bad as people are complaining about it; a lot of them being the kind who probably haven’t even bothered watching it in the first place! I’m actually considering reading the book now… which by the way I’ve heard is terribly awful. But still, having your own opinion is better I guess…

So it’s simple; Christian Grey played by Jamie Dornan is young, drop-dead gorgeous and richer than the Queen! He’s also emotionally tormented, likes BDSM and loves to ‘fuck hard!’ Anastasia Steele played by Dakota Johnson on the other hand, is pretty, also young and is studying literature. She also happens to be a virgin. NO WAY… do they really have those in America???

Image Source: media4.popsugar-assets.com, media.melty.fr

They meet, start falling in love – well at least she does, also start having violent kinky sex with leather, handcuffs and all sorts of sex toys, and when she finally realizes that Christian is in fact too complicated for her liking and takes pleasure out of whipping her ass, she calls it quits and leaves him. A rather tragic ending I’d say… was so hoping they’d eventually get married, have babies and live happily ever after… awe… so cute! I guess now I’m going to have to wait for the other books in the series to come onto screen.

Anyway, some people might disagree, but I still think that Fifty Shades is more romance and less disturbia. It’s just different… a different shade of romance. And I don’t see why it’s become such a big deal. Please… someone care to enlighten me?

After watching the movie, I decided to read a couple of the shitty reviews published all over the internet and damn was I surprised to see some of the most silliest conclusions self glorified critics came up with even on places like Mashable, New Yorker and The Independent. So instead of treating this like a conventional review, I’m going on a different route this time.

Here’s some of the crap that I read (and heard)… and what I had to say.

Fifty Shades of Grey glorifies domestic violence

Excuse me? The last time I checked, domestic violence was about mother-in-laws burning their daughter-in-laws, husbands beating up their wives and female genocide. Since when did sexual fetishes and BDSM become part of the list? We all have our kinky fantasies… now don’t be deny’n them okay? Gosh… some people really need to let their imagination run wild… or even better… get laid… the BDSM way!

Image Source: assets.nydailynews.com, media.breitbart.com,

Not enough sex

Really? There’s a big fat line between watching a romantic flick with steamy sex and porn; Fifty Shades pretty much blurs that one out. If you think that Fifty Shades was low on the sex quotient and didn’t show enough genitalia, then maybe you’re in the wrong seat and should log onto Redtube instead! FYI, ladies who think Mr Grey is a total hottie… well good news for you… he does flash a bit of his… Johnson!

Zero Chemistry

Okay, I think I might have to agree here… well not entirely. When it comes to this whole ‘chemistry’ business – or virgin romance as I like to call it, nobody does it better than our Pakistani actors, because quite frankly that’s the only way we are capable of showing romance on desi television. Johnson and Dornan were a bit lackluster, but I still think it definitely wasn’t a zero.

To slow and painfully dull

Please… go and watch Titanic! if you think that shipwreck of a film was any better than Fifty Shades, go back in time and drown yourself with the ship… and never come back! Even the rumors of Anwar Maqsood and Bushra Ansari sharing a painting moment were more exciting than the one between Kate Winslet and Retardo De Craprio in the movie.

Terrible dialogues

Hmmm… okay maybe two – “Laters babe” like WTF was that, and “I’m fifty shades of fucked up.” Lol… that’s a quick one-liner to tell your girlfriend how emotionally damaged you are while being smart enough to incorporate the title of the screenplay as well. Originality is a rarity.

Image Source: cdn.collider.com, i4.mirror.co.uk

The skyscraper in the beginning is the most erotic part

Well then, you were either blind to have been able to see all the skin show, or you’re gay and you like REALLY big… Johnson! Or you forgot your doze of Viagra! Come on… seriously? Buildings vs. an earthquake on a spring mattress? The second… anyway, anytime!

Fifty Shades started off as a Twilight-fan fiction

FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Not everything in the world is about the Toilet Saga and Bella fucking Swan… okay that was weird! And even if it is an apparent copyright infringement, who gives a shit? Remember what I said about you going back into time and drowning yourself with the Titanic? Please… do that RIGHT NOW! And by the way, doesn’t the Toilet Saga glorify beastiality? Yes it does… Jacob was a wolf! And you know what’s even worse? He decides to settle down with his would-be girlfriend’s could-be his daughter… OMG INCEST!

Image Source: img2-2.timeinc.net, entertainmentwallpaper.com

Dornan compared Fifty Shades to Hitler

Celebrities are stupid, they say silly things… you just have to be even stupider to make a big deal out of what they say! Haven’t you learnt anything from Kim Kardashian? Hell screw her when there’s Meera!

It’s a threat to tradition

TTP is a threat to humanity… we have bigger problems… nuff said! Besides what traditions are Americans and Europeans even worried about? They’re the ones who commercialized BDSM… Hallelujah to that one!

Fifty Shades is connected to a rise in sex-toy injuries

Okay so now you’ve run out of excuses and you’re just stretching it a bit too far.

See? Sometimes people will just come up with the lamest of arguments to bring something down for no apparent reason.

Anyway, so here’s what I think. Considering that the Pakistani drama scene is actually becoming more acceptable towards plots other than the ones thriving on the saas-bahoo and gullible husband with fifty trusting issues formula, Fifty Shades of Grey should be rendered into a masterpiece for our small screen with none other than Fawad Khan and Madhuri Dixit playing the lead roles. Obviously, she won’t be playing an English literature student and he won’t be flashing his Johnson!

To put in a single shade of grey… or bold black… Fifty Shades of Grey is to an extent disappointing, but not all that bad. And I reaffirm – it is just another shade of romance!

3 / 5 stars

Badlapur: Revenge Never Looked This Good

Posted on February 24, 2015 by arsalanahmedk

FANTASTIC!

Revenge never looked this good… and that too with a befitting title as never before.

Raghu played by Varun Dhawan, is a happily married man who loses his wife and son in a rather unfortunate turn of events following a bank robbery conducted by Laik (Nawazuddin Siddiqui) and Harman (Vinay Pathak). While nalaik Laik is the one who fires the killing shot, he lets haraam Harman escape with the money and tells the police that Harman was the one responsible and refuses to cooperate with the authorities in any other way.

With the help of a cleaning lady who shockingly turns out to be a private detective, Raghu manages to find the whereabouts of Laik’s even more nalaik yet ultra hot prostitute mistress Jhumli played by Huma Qureshi who keeps upping her rates as the foreplay proceeds. Raghu toys around with her, but she gives him no leads on Harman and the stolen money. Nalaik Laik is eventually jailed for 20 years where he is sexually molested and joked upon a couple of times by the other inmates while Raghu waits for his release… in Badlapur.

15 years later, an NGO clad woman Shobha played by Divya Dutta emerges into the screenplay who approaches Raghu and informs him that the nalaik convict is dying of cancer and asks him to consider forgiving Laik and setting him free so that he can die outside of prison… respectfully. Kaam kaisay kaisay… aur farmaishein kaisi kaisi! Angry Raghu obviously doesn’t agree, to which Shobha taunts him by saying that Laik will eventually die in a few months, but Raghu should worry more about himself as he had locked himself up in a prison of his past memories – the psychological desi taana that never works!

One fine night, nalaik Laik’s mother approaches Raghu and tells him where and how he can find haraam Harman. In return Raghu helps in nalaik Laik’s release, but only to follow him back to Harman who during all this time had hidden Laik’s share of the loot and got married to a girl who could easily pass as his daughter… maybe granddaughter as well! Frustrated Raghu pretends to do haraam things with Harman’s wife before killing the two and hiding Laik’s share of the loot. When nalaik Laik and Raghu finally meet, they wrestle it out, and after getting tired, Raghu tells Laik that he will never tell him where he hid the money. Accepting defeat, angry Laik returns back home only to realize that his mother has nothing good to say about him. That… is his life changing moment – he finally decides to confess and surrender spending the rest of his sorry existence doing good things in jail.

Oh and did I mention that after the fifteen year jump in the story, nalaik Laik’s ultra hot mistress Jhumli was now the mistress of the police inspector who was on the case and who also wanted Laik’s share of the loot as his retirement fund? Well he never got the money either!

After romance, dark comedy has to be my next favorite genre in cinema. Badlapur hits the nail on the right spot! The fact that it was precisely concise compensated for the lack of the regular song and dance in Hindi films – a job well done by Sriram Raghavan and Arijit Biswas. Not to mention, the music itself was just a notch above acceptable and skip-worthy.

Anil Mehta may have proved his horrendous directorial skills in the 2007 Madhuri Dixit starer Aaja Nachle, but when it comes to cinematography, he leaves no stone unturned in proving that it is his domain indeed.

Laik’s Draupadi’s cheerharan moment was probably the best and the most hilarious take on homosexuality in male prisons I have ever seen.

Though I must say… I didn’t quite get how Raghu managed to cover an entire bedroom with plastic sheets taped to the ceiling while Harman’s wife took a shower. Doing something like that would normally take at least an hour no? Did Koko – the wife – really take that long? Or maybe she was actually prepping up herself for a satisfying experience with a rugged hunk as opposed to pretending to be a faithful wife to an aging plump ex-criminal!

Nawazuddin has a knack for playing weirdly dark and psychotic characters, and he plays this one to the best of his ability yet again. As for Varun Dhawan, Badlapur has to be his finest performance till date in his tiny Bollywood career. Looks like the student has finally graduated from being just a pretty face with a waxed body to a fit performer! Badlapur clearly belongs to these two boys.

Huma Qureshi was as gorgeous and voluptuous as ever. Even in a tiny role, she never seized to impress. I wish she started picking meatier roles though. Divya Dutta is one of my favorite support systems on Bollywood, though she needs to understand that being scandalized with hot men is always worth it! It would’ve been quite a filmy treat to have seen her settle down with Raghu by the end of the dark escapade. And was that Yami Gautam??? Hunh… nevermind!

To sum it up real quick; Badlapur is hard hitting revenge you must not miss… also if you want to see Huma Qureshi trying to seduce you and Varun Dhawan shirtless!.

4 / 5 stars